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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Challenge: Say something good about your ex...

Challenge: Say something good about your ex...

A former member
Post #: 40
I'm sure we all have legitimate beefs with our ex, and maybe, just maybe, or exes have some teeny weeny beefs with us too. Regardless, we all need to vent sometimes and sometimes we might feel bitter. But in general, when we're in a rational state of mind, I think what we say about people, whether it's deserving or not, says more about us often times than the person we are speaking of. If we can only say ill things about someone, then we tend to channel a lot of negative energy.

There is a reason we married these people. We may end up in relationships again, and if we do, if we can only talk about how awful our ex is, do you wonder if this new person might wonder if that's how we might eventually end up talking about them? It's certainly something I might wonder.

So here is my challenge: Say something good about your ex. It doesn't have to be long winded. It doesn't have to negate the things you don't like about them. It could be as simple as saying, they're a really good provider, or they're a really good mother/father. Or it could be more descriptive.

My ex is very charming, people take to her easily and they like to be around her. She is very focused on her work, very conscious to do a really good job, and she takes a lot of pride in the way she presents herself. She wants things for our children that she didn't have growing up, and I appreciate that about her, even when we don't always agree on what's best.
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 81
Todd, I love this idea, and I would encourage all our members to give this concept some thought, even if they choose not to post to this thread.

In my experience, it was only when I began to push the negative thoughts aside that I started to turn the corner. It started by me wanting my ex to think I was over him and moving forward (even though I really did not feel it inside at first). After a while, however, I realized that letting go of those strong emotions was very liberating, and that it was easier for *me* not to carry around all that emotional baggage. It also made it possible to work co-operatively with my ex to co-parent our children, and our children are much happier for it.

I believe, and I speak from personal experience as a child of divorce, that much of the pain of divorce for children comes when one or both parents spew negativity, either at one another or around the children. My ex and I agreed very early on that we would not speak negatively about one another in front of the children, and I believe this helped enormously. We also try very hard to work together to raise the children, even though we no longer live together. Of course, I am lucky in that my ex and I agree philosophically in this area. In order for this to work, both parties have to be on the same page, and I realize this is not possible in every situation.

My ex has a lot of great qualities, but the thing that always stood out the most was his sense of humor. He is one of the funniest people I have ever known, not so much goofy, but in a subtle way that sometimes make you think first, then laugh a few seconds later. Our daughter is also very naturally quick-witted and funny, and I'm sure she got a lot of that from him. I also value the fact that he is a strong positive male role model and very involved with the children, which they both need as we face the teen years (gulp!), but especially our son as he becomes a man.
A former member
Post #: 12
I would have to say that my Ex is a caring compassionate person. Even though his actions caused our divorce he is caring deep down and if anything ever horrible happened to me he would help out and support me.

A former member
Post #: 1
Todd and Laura I love the post. My ex has many great qualities but best of all she is a great Mom. I know we will always work together in positive manner regarding anything that concerns our children.
A former member
Post #: 2
My ex is a wonderful father; he would do anything and everything for our girls!
A former member
Post #: 4
Wow Todd, that's a challenge indeed . . . and it's certainly good to focus on the positive. I have such mixed feelings about doing so, however, as talking about his positives makes me nostalgic and quite sad, even after some nasty emails from him this week. *sigh*

My ex can be incredibly warm, thoughtful, and insightful. He has a great sense of humor and always impressed w/ his eclectic tastes and his ability to fix almost anything - from cars, to plumbing, to computers.
A former member
Post #: 1
My Ex (husband that is) at least tried marriage, so that is the positive I came up with for him, and I am glad because I wanted to be married by 20 and have a child by 21 (turned out to be older), I guess making a goal of being a Mom wasn't such a good idea, anyway, it takes at least enough love to say "I do" which now speaking of my most recent Ex, I would not commend my youngest child's father, for not marrying me, even with our age difference, and perhaps, everything happens for a reason and that is why, however he is now 36 and never married, and I for one, at least can say I tried. So that is my positive and I think it is a plus for a Man to have at least have tried marriage to someone they love, or claim to have, by the time they are in their mid-30's at least.
A former member
Post #: 12
This is indeed a tough one. My first wife (mother of both my children) is the social glue of her family. She's always involved the kids and been involved in their lives, though perhaps too much so IMO.

My second wife - just recently divorced from - well, that's harder. We're good friends but for some reason I can't put words around the positives, though I know there are many. Maybe that's a good signal that I still have some healing work ahead of me. So ... thanks for the question; it will help me focus on what I still have to do.
John H.
user 13208067
Madison, WI
Post #: 7
I don't think this one's hard at all. I married my ex for a reason. I loved her. (To some limited degree, I still love her) She's the one that cheated and left, so that was her decision. A bad one, certainly, but a few bad decisions does not a person make.
My (soon to be) ex is a very passionate person, who puts her children first. Period. No one else, even herself comes before her kids. She is kind, friendly, and outgoing. She will bend over backwards for people she cares about. She's playful, fun, and except for a couple (really major) things, she is very open and honest.
I could go on, but then I would sound like I actually want her back. And I don't. But I don't believe in being vindictive, jealous, vengeful, or spiteful either. She's a good person, and a wonderful woman. Just a few really unfortunate choices.
A former member
Post #: 9
my ex was always a good worker at her job and wasn't one that would try to live on the welfare system if she could get away with it.. and she was smart, I could have an intelligent talk with her. plus she had a wicked sense of humor like me and we could both be good at making wicked humor jokes.. she often had kind of a slutty laugh about stuff we joked about..... one thing that attracted her to me is that I was smarter than her ex and had a sense of humor. one of the first stories she told me is that she told her ex to check on the pizza in the oven and he said "how do you know when its done?" well duh!!!!

plus she was caring toward friends and relatives and had real love for making christmas tree ornaments for her family.
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