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Axen Ft. Lauderdale Message Board › Dr S Therapy

Dr S Therapy

Dynamo
user 19537791
Group Organizer
Miami, FL
Hi AXENites,

At the bottom of this message there are two links
1) I RECORDED MY THERAPY SESSION (and my crying), for your benefit to listen to and to help you understand and integrate Metaphor Therapy.
2) A link to a previous post about how to do the therapy method for yourself.

On July 1st 2018 Dr Richard Siegel's (Dr. S) Metaphor Therapy presentation was presented and structured for us as a system for dealing with the emotions that block us from taking action towards the goals for which we strive.

On July 2nd 2018 I took the system and tools that Dr. S presented to us and sat with the emotion of feeling frustrated with not wanting to get my day started or make phone calls and reach out to prospects for my business. You see I've been fighting myself and have felt stuck because I know I need to make the sales calls and I just don't want to do anything except for be lazy and drag my feet. It was your typical unproductive day (going on YouTube, buying stuff on Amazon, taking a nap, going back online, etc. etc).

One of the toughest things about being an entrepreneur is that you don't have someone to tell you what to do, which sounds like a great thing (and it is) but you're also left up to your own devices to decide what to do with your time -- it's your responsibility and you have to live with the results. I have been living with the results of sporadic effort for reasons that you'll hear in the recording (first few minutes of the recording explane my current situation).

Feeling that feeling of being stuck and unmotivated, I decided to practice the exercise that Dr S showed us where we describe our emotions using a metaphor that arises from our subconscious mind. When I began to search my feelings I felt something familiar, an old passenger weighing heavily on my subconscious, a stow away travelling with me and weighing me down my entire life, a feeling of unmotivated disinterest.

In metaphor therapy you are asked to describe the feeling in your body, to feel the feeling, to give it life by finding what it's like there what the feeling feels like and in describing it you inevitably (for most people) arrive to a metaphor, that metaphor is the language of the subconscious mind, it is the language of images, of impressions and of the vast reservoir of subconscious feelings that are not experience through direct literal language but through feelings, metaphysical imagery and surrealism.

Here I was feeling apathetic, yet again battling myself to do the thing that I know I needed to do and blaming myself yet again for being so inconsistent, for having the feeling of resistance, I bet you Elon Musk springs up in the morning does a cartwheel and makes a rocket all before breakfast.

When I sat and I searched for the feeling it felt like a weight all along my body, a heaviness. When I tried asking myself what kind of heaviness? What did I feel, what does it feel like? An unforced image came to me from my creative mind, emerging as a form of describing what I was feeling, I described the feeling as if I was pinned or stuck under a pile of sandbags piled high on top of me and more sand pouring on me as time ticked away. Every moment I layed there, unmotivated and weighed down by the sandbags, every moment of indecision bringing more sand but feeling unmotivated and weighed down to move.

It was a familiar feeling that has been at the core of my way of being my entire life -- at one point it was my predominant way of being, I was chronically depressed for much of my childhood and all the way deep into my twenties. I'd overcome the depression thankfully to lots of self-work and action, but it seemed that while not depressed I had the ennui that was familiar to me from my time being depressed, that feeling of lack of desire to do anything except lay there and let time slip by and hide from my problems by not acting.

So even though I no longer get depressed like I did when younger, the sandbags are an all too familiar feeling, a residue, a familiar escape for times of stress. Before it was all the time, but now in times of disconnectedness or moments of frustration I feel slow, kind of dim, kind of apathetic, kind of chronically depressed.

While I sat with the feeling of apathy, the feeling of not feeling motivated, the feeling of frustration and the rebellious feeling of not wanting to do anything I felt heavier and heavier, more and more weighed down by my own resistance to doing anything proactive, I just felt stuck. You know the feeling, the feeling of saying, fuck you world...I'm not going to get out of bed, I'm going to just eat shit and do nothing. The feeling of hiding from my problems. I felt a series of sandbags piled high, preventing me from moving, preventing me from wanting to do anything but hide in the comfort and security of the weight of the sandbags layered on top of me in a big pile.

You can hear the resolution to this problem in the recording below. I am afraid to let you all in to my therapy session, that's supposed to be private, but if even ONE of you can be helped by witnessing my process -- I don't mind the discomfort, it'll be totally worth it. I am extroverted but I am not an exhibitionist in this sense, this is a little too raw. That being the case, I know that some of you may be struggling with something and struggling in silence (like I did), I share this with you for your benefit. If this isn't you but you know someone who can use this message and the lessons that follow, please share.

So what are the sandbags? What happened to the feeling of being stuck? What's going on? Did it work?

The next day after my session, I thought I would spring out of bed and be ready to take on the world! The complete opposite happened....I thought, ahhh crap, it didn't work.

I went back to bed, I wrapped myself in my blanket and tried escaping the world instead of starting my day. I felt the warmth of being in a pattern of familiarity, it felt great but I also knew it was a false oasis, it was a form of comfort that kills dreams if you let it, the comfort of avoidance. So when I sat with the feeling, I felt the sandbags once again but I felt myself weak to be able to rise from underneath the sandbags, incapable, not enough, weak. When I finally did muster a little energy to get up I went back to all of my old vices, I ate some junk food, I looked at porn (something I hadn't done in months), I looked at YouTube videos, I ate shit...so much for therapy, what a waste of time.

That's when it hit me.

I AM weak.
I AM lazy.
I AM irresponsible.
Quite simply put, I just AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Wasn't what you were expecting huh?

Well the beauty of that is that it is true, I am all of those things, but I felt a little differently about it this time when I had those thoughts, the thoughts of; I am not good enough, I am lazy, I escape my problems instead of confronting them and I am not good enough to get the results that I want because I hide from them at times when I feel sandbaggy -- the familiar feelings of being self-critical were there, but the peculiar thing was though, something had shifted, there was a little window of space to look at myself differently that was there now that wasnt there before the therapy session.

Carl Jung said,
"What you Resist, Persist; and not only persist but the more you Resist it, it will also Grow in Size."

I had been resisting the feeling of not being good enough. I started AXEN because I was depressed and I was turning 30 and I felt like a loser that wanted to have more things done with his life. But I now know a part of me was subconsciously motivated to start AXEN because I felt that if I had more goals, more accomplishments, more status, more money, if I was more then I would feel better being in my own skin. Because beneath it all I secretly felt all my life I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH and I was resisting it.

I now see that this is true, I'm not good enough.

I'm not particularly athletic, I'm about average actually; I am not particularly handsome, I'm about average, my mom thinks I'm sexy though...that's kinda weird to write on the internet, but whatever, which leads to my next point; I am not particularly intelligent, I'm about average; I'm not particularly anything extraordinary, I'm about average across the board. And even if I'm above average or below average, it doesn't matter, I am simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Again Carl Jung said;
"What you Resist, Persist; and not only persist but the more you Resist it, it will also Grow in Size."

The additional part to this statement is that...

"What you embrace dissolves"

I have embraced my weakness.

I have embraced my lack, I am weak and I am not good enough. The realization happened in an instant where I felt that even though I'm not good enough I am world class at something very special -- being me, Ivan Dynamo De Jesus.
I felt that, I felt gratitude, I felt compassion, I felt the uniqueness of being my perfectly average self and how that uniqueness makes me extraordinary.

I thought I had learned this lesson, but this was different, this time I felt the lesson deep in my emotions. Last year I in many ways had experienced self-love for myself, and in many ways I had turned a corner in discovering love for me, I had finally felt okay with being me and proud of being myself, but until this session with Dr S and the metaphor therapy with the sandbags I hadn't figured something out...I was weighed down by the false sands of my own resistance to be more than what I am. I hadn't TRULY accepted myself. It's probably why I've been into self-help for so long, because I wanted to be better because being just me wasn't enough. I felt compelled to be more because being me was weak, it wasn't enough, if I were different, if I were enough I wouldn't feel all this resistance, I wouldn't have to fight myself, I just simply was lacking. This realization helped me embrace the weakness, the lack, the inability, it helped me stop resisting the feeling of lack and accept it.

It even helped me to understand my ambition, my ambition comes from a place of wanting to prove to myself that I am special, that I am enough, that I am strong and capable and that I can be more than the me that I am right now, because the me right now sucks. It made me realize that one of the reasons I have 266 goals and started a goal achievement support group is because if maybe I achieve all of my goals I can prove to myself I'm strong and I'm enough, I can finally be enough if I DO ALL OF THE THINGS. When I make a million dollars, write a bunch of books, have a ton of beautiful women attracted to me, make a bunch of really amazing creative projects (movies, art, etc.), be fluent in a bunch of languages, etc. etc. etc.

But you know what...I'm weak...but so is all of humanity.

No human is as strong as a bear, or as fast as a lion, nor do we have any advantage over any of the animals in the wild. We are essentially less hairy apes afraid of the world and would have been consumed by the natural world if it wasn't for our ability to create tools to overcome our weakness. My weakness is part of my being human. My not being enough is part of any human not being enough. Even if the biological apex of our species, someone like LeBron James or an Olympic athlete, if they were in the wild vs a pack of wolves, they'd be fucked (except for Chuck Norris, he'd walk out of the wild wearing a Wolf Fur, Fur Coat). Why, because us humans are not particularly powerful creatures, what we do know is how to think and create tools. You see even if we couldn't survive off of our biological weaknesses, our ability to be creative and work around our weaknesses is what gave us the ability to thrive. We worked around weakness by creating tools, spears to fight wolves, shelter to protect us from them and as we've evolved weapons to shoot them. Now, pretty much any average person with a machine gun could fend off a pack of wolves, because tools are what allow us to overcome our individual weaknesses.

Tools in the regard to my business and my resitance to doing what I need to do to get the results I want are various, the tools of an agenda and scheduler to manage my time, the management tools like the Chimp Paraox method or the RPM method to plan my day to day, the practice to make sure that I have a meditation schedule to work on my focus -- because I'm weak and I need these tools to help me with my weakness. Tools I know very well but don't use because deep down I believed I was fooling myself, because in the back of my mind I would always say, "who am I kidding, I'm not good enough", I was constantly sure I would eventually sabotage myself.

That's what Carol Dweck calls a Fixed Mindset, a mindset that thinks, I just am 'this way' and nothing can change, a limiting mindset. The Therapy with Dr S helped me realize that it's okay to not be good enough, I can improve in the areas I need to improve upon and that 'being good enough' is a fantasy, no human is particularly good enough at anything, it's our collective power and our ability to use and share tools that has helped us overcome. Because humanity is strong, individual humans (like me) are weak.

So when I am in bed, or unmotivated, or feel like I'm piled under sandbags -- and because that feeling is there I am not good enough, it's true, I'm not, I better rely on my tools. The occasional lack of motivation is part of the human condition that I have but it doesn't have to lead to me wrapping myself in sadness, self-pity and self-loathing over not being enough. So before instead of thinking/saying, "This sucks, I don't feel like doing it", rebutting that feeling with tools I can use to get myself motivated and into action, anticipating that feeling and when it comes embracing that the feeling is a human one, but not allowing it to pin me down, it's okay, I'm enough to take the next step.

You see as long as I had the narrative of not being good enough and fighting it, I was a prisoner. When I accepted that feeling and realized it as a part of who I am, this 'weak piece of crap trying to figure it out, with no particular special abilities', then I can get on with my day instead of fighting myself about it and making it be more significant or mean more than what it does.

There will be days that I'm not going to want to get up, I'm not going to want to do the necessary things, but not wanting to do them now doesn't trigger me to think I'm not good enough, which is what I felt before...now I just feel like I'm human and it's normal to feel that way when you're doing something with a delayed gratification. I don't live my life that way, where I am fighting myself or struggling, but there will be days that are tough and that I won't want to do the necessary activities for my benefit, but I will do them or I'll find tools that will help me do them because I am enough and I am me which is more than enough, so moments of resistance are human, not a sign of my personal lack.

This realization may sound very obvious, very simple, and painfully self-evident, but I will tell you that feeling it the way I do now by having the metaphors sink into my subconscious mind is a different experience than understanding it on the surface level of the conscious mind. I understand that I am both weak and strong in my personal weaknesses can be overcome by my ability to recognize them, embrace them and work on them. Previously I would take the fact that there is weakness as a sign of my brokenness, now it is a sign of my humanness.

I feel a new level and type of self love, a type of compassion and self love that involves accepting myself and my flaws and not letting that decide my fate, I am enough despite my drawbacks.

I think that's maybe why dyslexic people (there brains don't allow them to read because it scrambles the letters) are successful. Could you imagine being a little kid and not being able to read when all your class mates can figure it out. It is a realization that either makes you figure it out and realize that obstacles are opportunities for adjustment or it breaks you. It turns out that somewhere between 7-10% of the population is dyslexic but 40% of millionaires are dyslexic. It's because the ability to figure out problems and resolve them in creative ways is generously rewarded in captialism...sometimes our points of weakness become our strengths if we learn to embrace them.

I hope you embrace your weakness and examine whatever it is that's subconsciously holding you back.

See you on the Mountain Top,

Dynamo

Recording of my session with Dr Richard Siegel:
https://youtu.be/jCcy...­

Exercise instructions can be found at the link below: https://www.facebook....­
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