Does being alone mean we are lonely?

Does being alone mean we are lonely?

Lonely – 1. Unhappy as a result of being without the companionship of others; 2. Causing or resulting from the state of being alone.

Definition from the Collins English Dictionary

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When are we ever really alone? Aren’t we always part of the larger scheme of things? How can we not be present with other people?

The world has become ever more crowded with human beings, multiplying sevenfold from 1800 till today, when the estimate is now over 7 billion people alive on the planet.

Is it emotionally healthy to be dependent on a treasured partner? If we trusted our instincts more, would there be less of a problem? Are our expectations of each other the real problem?

It’s said that Plato defined love as “…our desire to be made complete”. Is there something missing in each of us that can only be fulfilled by the one special person in our lives?

With generosity, empathy and love, we could live our lives in harmony with any or all of our evolutionary brothers and sisters that we come into contact with. Is this true?

How can we feel lonely, if what we really want is the company of other people? What would stop us just reaching out for friends? Is there really only one somebody that will do?

We’re often told that we live in a competitive world. We compete not only on our own and our family’s behalf, but for the benefit of our group, our national identity or some other ethnic or religious collective.

Are we less alone and therefore less lonely, when we are more fully part of our own tribe?

What do we want from other people anyway? Isn’t it so selfish to reach out for somebody else to take away the bad feeling that we describe as loneliness? If after that reaching out, we’re disappointed because the other doesn’t perform as we had imagined, isn’t that a stronger basis for loneliness than the simple condition of being alone? Does it come down again to expectation?

What about people who really try hard to understand the expectations of other human beings without success? Some autistic people are bewildered at the way “normal” people interact. Temple Grandin used the phrase “An anthropologist on Mars” to describe how she tried to interpret non-autistic people’s behaviour. She found that she had much more empathy with animals than non-autistic fellow humans.

If there really is nobody in your immediate vicinity, with whom you can interact, in the way that you would like, then what about the accumulation of the written word? If loneliness is a “problem” emotion, could it be solved by recognising and acknowledging the history of humanity reaching out?

Let’s ask again, when are we ever really alone? Don’t we have a world of fascination in the abundance of our human and non-human peers, through immediate, distant and historical communication? Isn’t that enough?

Does being alone mean we are lonely? What do you think?

There are a few quotes below to get us thinking.

Most of all enjoy the discussion, both talking and listening and look after each other.

LR Rushton 2017

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“Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other” – John Steinbeck {Of Mice & Men}

“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment.” – Haruki Murakami

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” – Mother Teresa

“In order to argue for the single person, it seems one must criticise the couple; the culture that coerces us into coupledom, the religions, the familial pressures, the pop songs, the movies, the game shows, the gossip, the unavoidable, inescapable pressure to conjoin, to love.” – James Friel {also speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Four Thought, described at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20219349}

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of "parties" with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfilment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.” – Sylvia Plath

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin

“If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” – Janet Fitch

“When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over.” – Audrey Hepburn

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution” – Groucho Marx

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” – Charlotte Bronte

“They cannot scare me with their empty spaces

Between stars—on stars where no human race is.

I have it in me so much nearer home

To scare myself with my own desert places” – Robert Frost

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” – Jodi Picoult

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like” – George Carlin

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.” Woody Allen

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