For the last 4 years I have been running one of DFWs largest divorce support groups so I am a student of adversity. As you can imagine the future of dating is a constant topic within the group. I have more than 1000 files in my brain of people who have healed from their heartbreak and jumped right back in the same type of relationship that broke them to begin with.....
Based on what I have seen with my veteran members, friends and family it appears that in reality, our choice of partner is most likely a lot less "free" than you imagined. There are some scary real constraints that may be controlling whom we are attracted to and whom we can love. These constraints come from the EXACT SAME PLACE every single time...….our childhood.
I think this childhood history makes us vulnerable to fall for only "certain" types of people. We scan the horizon looking for love like a computer file that was programmed during childhood which unfortunately was tangled not just with love but pain as well. Considering the fact that no one is perfect, the love you might have received in childhood was entwined with some possible unpleasant factors, like a parent or caretaker who left you with the feeling that you were never quite good enough; a yearning for love from a parent that was depressed or favored heavily another one of your siblings as opposed to you; abuse or maybe you were raised by a narcissist or by someone that had addiction issues. What about abandonment or someone who was emotionally unavailable?
If this is right, then we are looking not necessarily for someone who will be loving and kind but more likely for someone that feels "familiar".
"We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates because they don’t satisfy a yearning for the complexities we associate with love. We may describe someone as ‘not sexy’ or ‘boring’ when in truth we mean: unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real." - #schooloflife
This can be a harsh reality to come to grips with based on who raised us and more importantly how we were treated during our very early childhood years. If those years were tough, then most likely we are pushing away the "right" people.
THIS makes a lot of sense because I have been told many times by people who are looking for dating partners that a "nice" person doesn't have a chance with them. Sad, but true.
I believe we have a template inside us that helps us pick. My thought process/game plan surrounds 6 factors. I think there's 3 of them that you can change. This should alter the frequency where your past relationships reside. You will move your selective nature to a new frequency and your squad will hold you accountable. I have found already from testing the first squad group that this will not be easy. The first 3 weeks failed miserable but then something interesting happened.....it started to work unexpectedly.
This group is "only" for people with Will Power who are committed to real change. You know who you are.
It's for those who want to think deep about their past and prepare for a different future.
Subjects we will debate:
- was the last relationship a blessing or a lesson
-can you fix your broken picker
- are you attracting what you fear
-the significance of the yin and the yang
-exploring your mental models
-the importance of communication/emotional intelligence
We will also explore the online dating scene to get you ready. Like preparing for a weeklong camping trip. Lots of people try POF, Tinder, Bumble, Match but maybe don't have the tools to succeed. Live the experience of trying to understand yourself more deeply while at the same time, putting yourself out there. Think more before you Swipe Right. ;)
Learn from each others failures and polish your future.
***Please note that this is not a certified group, I am NOT a licensed marriage counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker and none of the other facilitators are as well but we can refer you in that direction if you feel the need.
The summary above is nothing more than my thoughts. It is up to you to pull from my ideas and explore your own past and future. Good luck to all of you.