Continuing with the ‘God’ thing, the next thing to do is to look at His claims. We know He created the universe (otherwise we wouldn’t be here) but what about His claims that he did it in a week or so? Well, look again at the evidence.
He invented light and ‘days’ on day one, but light producing objects on day four. Doh!
Maybe a ‘Day’ isn’t exactly what we would call a day. Remember He comes from a very different place where a ‘day’ could be a long long time. Maybe He meant a ‘meta-day’, the sort of days they have in His meta-universe, rather than one of our days.
Then He got really knackered from doing all that creating and had to rest on the seventh ‘day’ (or whatever), yet again proving He’s only human: -
Genesis 2:2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
One wonders if He went to bed at that point and of course, if He snores, dribbles or farts in His sleep. If so did Adam and his partner notice? I say ‘partner’ because it seems that Eve wasn’t his first squeeze.
Genesis 1:27 God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
The first woman must have ran away, or maybe she was eaten. Either way she wasn’t there to help Adam.
Genesis 2:20-22 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
So there you have it, a woman of the female gender upsetting the applecart from day one. Notice God couldn’t be arsed to recreate woman from scratch again. This time around He took the simple way out and cannibalised a bit off Adam in the same way one would if one were making a large Lego model and had ran out of bits.
Also notice how crappy the written description of the event is, proving that God is yet again dictating to some scribe as a disembodied voice, probably from a burning bush, and that upset the poor chap no-end.
In any case He probably didn’t describe His creation of the universe with the most rigorous sort of accuracy that would we like to think. Remember He was trying to describe a huge intergalactic construction project to a flea-ridden bronze-age nomad who probably thought a black hole was temporary a latrine and that asteroids were an embarrassing anal condition. Imagine his confusion when God told him that the Milky Way was slowly orbiting a latrine so big and black that no-one would ever be able to see out of it let alone climb out of it, and on top of that every now and then He would drop these big fiery hemorrhoids on top of His enemies!
One can also imagine God’s frustration after He built the universe - with all those spectacular galaxies, glowing dust clouds, spinning neutron stars and beautiful planets - and then trying to explain it to someone who thought the world was a bit bumpy but mostly sand. God could not have felt fully appreciated at all.
Genesis 1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
1:15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
1:17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
1:18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
What’s with all the ‘firmament of the heaven’ stuff? I guess the poor nomad had no idea about gravity, radiation and space and so had to put it all into a language he understood.
Did God ever even consider teaching the Jews a little about astronomy? No. Not a bit. The Babylonians knew a lot more and they found out all by themselves. This tells us a little more about the nature of God and His relationship with us. Basically, He doesn’t really care - remember, we had to invent toilet paper for ourselves!
At this time we know the Chinese civilisation was pretty well developed and hundreds of years more advanced than the Middle Eastern nomads of the time. We at the research center figure that God may well have tried to explain His creation to a Chinese person first, but they probably knew enough to think that God’s explanation was at best weird, at worst totally insane. Besides, not many people take burning bushes seriously as messaging devices from pan-dimensional super-intelligent beings. Notice also that it has no video feed - curious that.
Now if God had decided to deliver His message from a flying saucer after having probed the anus of some poor Chinese guy, and then perhaps followed it with some really kinky sex then I guess He would have had a starry eyed follower and pretty soon a really devoted cult. It would have taken very little effort from God. Maybe He’s toying with that idea in America even as we speak.
So it turns out that only members of the less-civilised Arabic tribes were gullible enough to take God’s word for it, and even then He had to dumb it down quite a bit. That’s why there’s no mention of stuff we would have expected Him to mention and why it’s all a bit garbled.
Frankly, all of us at the research centre agree that dumbing it down was a daft policy in the long run because now we have lots people questioning the details.
So much for omniscience then.
Until next time,
Praise The Lord!
The Right Dick Ed.
May God go with you.
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