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The Las Vegas Polyamory Meetup Group Message Board › How to broach the subject?

How to broach the subject?

A former member
Post #: 35
Hello group. My husband and I have been together for almost six years now and, as is often the case when two Scorpio's are in a relationship together, when things are good they are BLISSFUL but when they're bad they are TERRIBLE which leaves us both sometimes wondering if the bliss is worth the hell. We've had many struggles both in life and in our relationship and we've been absolutely convinced at times that we needed to just end it and walk away only to come back to each other a few hours (or in extreme cases days) later wondering how we could possibly throw away what we have for any reason. It's important to note that our marriage struggles have not involved emotional, psychological, or physical abuse - nor have either of us cheated on the other (to my knowledge and, in all honesty, I'd be more likely to believe that the zombie apocalypse will happen in my lifetime than to believe he'd ever cheat on me or anyone because of the type of person that he is). Mostly our problems are harder to identify. We sometimes get bored with each other but not enough to look for someone else. We sometimes get sick of each other's little idioisms but not enough to separate long-term. We sometimes get frustrated with each other but not enough to get violent. We sometimes feel overwhelmed with love and respect for each other and can't imagine life without each other but most of the time we live in this strange mutual harmony like a shark and one of those little feeder fish that are too small for the shark to eat but they keep it clean by sucking parasites off it so it's a win/win for both. Bad analogy? It sounds odd but it really does fit quite well.

I feel like he satisfies 50% of my emotional needs and I feel like I satisfy 50% of his. Does that make us perfect candidates for a poly lifestyle? I don't know. We have told each other everything about ourselves, our pasts, our lives, our ambitions, our darkest secrets, even our freakiest fantasies. To an extent we've actually run out of things to talk about sometimes ... but there is one thing that I want to discuss with him that I just don't know how. Poly.

I'm not gonna lie, it's partly because of sex. To be blunt I want it and he doesn't and to be even more blunt when we do have it he wants vanilla and I want rocky road in a waffle cone with all the trimmings but it's not JUST the sex. I wouldn't even say sex is half of it. Scorpio's are intensely passionate but we're also easily bored. We burn hot and fast and then we burn out. We obsess over every detail and then we look for something new to obsess over. I don't want to leave him, I love him more than life itself but it just doesn't feel like I'm being true to myself ... something is missing. I could be wrong but I think he feels the same way.

Here's where it gets funky.

(to be continued in a comment to my own post)
A former member
Post #: 36
A little over a year ago I met a new friend. JUST a friend (I swear that, at this point, that's all it is). I discussed my friend with total transparency with my husband. We talked about him often. My friend decided he wanted to move here to the Las Vegas area because he was unhappy where he currently lives and he wants to be in a big city with nice weather and I'm always raving about how much I love it here. I discussed that with my husband - he was leery but excited about the possibility of me finally having a friend here in town. I've always gotten along better with men than with women and my best friends were all men when my husband and I met so the fact that I had a male friend was not surprising to him. I encouraged my friend to visit Vegas before moving here to make sure he would like it here (I'd once moved to Chicago without visiting and ended up hating it but was stuck there for two years trying to figure out how to get back to the desert) so last month he came and, with my husband's permission, stayed in our guest room for a full week. During the day he hung out with me in my home office while I worked and we talked and played video games together and in the evening when my husband came home from work the three of us would go out and do things together like have a bonfire at the lake, see a show on the strip, explore fremont street, etc. Two of the nights my husband wanted to stay in and watch football so he told my friend and I to go out without him and, to my surprise, he seemed like he actually meant it! He's the type to wear his emotions on his sleeve but I honestly detected no jealousy, irritation, anger, hurt, etc. even though I was looking for it because I didn't want my friendship with this other guy to cause problems in my marriage.

The day after my friend left to go home my husband came to me and said 'he would make a good roommate'. My jaw hit the floor. We discussed it and decided to offer my friend a six month lease agreement so he will be moving in with us on February 1st. We could use the extra cash, he could use a place until he gets on his feet and can get a place of his own. It seems like a perfect fit and my husband said 'six months max' and I said 'ok, six months max'. Now my husband is saying 'well if it works out we can offer him an extension'. Wow.

I'd mentioned having a threesome with another woman a few years ago and he was adamantly against it and said it was dirty and would feel too much like cheating and his mom cheated on his dad and he ABHORES cheating and cheaters and all things cheat related. I felt like I had to be honest with my husband so, before we offered to rent our spare room to my friend (but after he suggested it) I told him the truth ... while my friend was here I had some lustful thoughts about him. Nothing happened ... but I wanted it to.

Now you would think that a monogomous man who's wife admits to wanting physical interaction with a man that just spent a week in their house would flip out at worst and retract the invite to move said man under his roof at best but he did neither. He got up and walked out of the room - ten minutes later he came back and sat back down and the discussion about moving my friend into our guest room continued.

why? Is it possible that he really trusts me THAT much in spite of my confession or is it more likely something else?

When I spent time with both of them at the same time it felt so natural. I felt more complete than I think I've ever felt in my life. I have so much in common with my husband (golf, watching sports, fishing, geocaching, kayaking, concerts) that my friend doesn't like and so much in common with my friend (gaming, religious beliefs, reading, dancing, taking various classes) that my husband doesn't like and they, in turn, have things in common with each other (bowling, BBQ, playing sports) that I don't like. A poly friend of mine joked that I may have to worry about a bromance between them but I would be ok with that as long as they were open and honest about it. I would be ok with a triad situation if that's what it came to (though both men proclaim to be hetero but I would be ok with it if they weren't as long as they were honest with me about it).

Is there a way to find out from my husband if there's more to this roommate situation than meets the eye without potentially damaging my marriage? Is there a way to open the conversation with him about the poly lifestyle to find out how he feels about it without him assuming I'm asking him to let me act on those thoughts that I had last month? Or would I be better off to just keep my mouth shut and see what happens naturally?

(sorry to make this post so lengthy but I felt like a great deal of detail was required since the situation is so complicated)
Ray
user 8660582
Las Vegas, NV
Post #: 13
Discussion group Saturday?
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