The Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Training Ride
Hosted by last Minute Motorcycle Riders
Details
I have been deputized by the CDC to coordinate a Local Zombie Task Force to prepare for the now foreseeable Zombie Apocalypse… I'm here to save you... You're welcome.
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You will be evacuated from the city... avoiding the masses... heading to high ground… and the ones that make it… will have a kick-ass BBQ... Oh Yeah!
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You will meet at the designated Meet-Up Location but the route to the Zombie-Free Refugee Area will not be announced until the last moment (depending on which direction the hoards of Zombies are headed).
We'll stay on backroads as Zombies will most likely be munching on cagers stuck on the highways….
You'll just have to follow your leader and stay with the group until we reach safety and food….. If we do encounter any Zombies along the way, they'll probably get the sweepers first, so keep up.
Join this drill… BE READY…..!!! (FYI… ride will be posted in multiple groups… please only RSVP with the group you will be riding with… TY)
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Take it seriously folks… The CDC sure is: http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2011/05/preparedness-101-zombie-apocalypse/
But do not PANIC….!
When it happens people are gonna wish they had a Motorcycle (and were in a Meet-Up group)…. Why…? because:
A. Bikers are uniquely qualified to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. With our quick and nimble bikes and skills, we can get around any stalled vehicles or obstacles, lane split our way thru traffic jams and, of course, counter-steer our way thru hoards of Zombies.
(Remember, pushing on the bars is the quickest way to get around Zombies, if you think you can do it just by leaning the bike, you're only gonna get a windshield full of Zombie…. Also, try not to look directly at any Zombies… because… you know… "Target Fixation" = windshield full of Zombie again… If you think bugs are hard to clean off, wait until you try to clean off some Zombie-ness… You're gonna wanna avoid that.)
The exception is the squid… The squids will become Zombie fodder as they will have neither the skills to avoid the Zombie hoards nor the gear to prevent road rashes or Zombie bites… Their bare arms, legs, faces, and even toes will be chewed off right after they stare at that first Zombie and smash into it… These squids, however, will be necessary to facilitate our escape. Each group should contain a few squids…. If you don't know who the squid is in your particular group…. it might be you.
B. Meet-Up'ers are also uniquely positioned to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Our ability to organize will be invaluable during the ZA. Meet-Up'ers will have an advantage over Zombies as Zombies are not organized. Think about it… ever seen a Zombie Meet-Up group…? Exactly.
If you're both types (and not a squid) and you throw in some of the preparedness steps listed below, then you stand a better chance than most to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
Quick + Prepared + Organized + Counter Steering
= Survival (plus Free Shit in Stores)
Good Luck.
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Please follow these important steps to help ensure you'll survive the critical first moments of a Zombie Apocalypse (specifically for Motorcycle Meet-Up Group Members):
- Identify Emergency Contacts. Phone systems and the internets should still be working for a while…
1a. If your contacts answer and they are able to carry on a conversation they are probably not Zombies yet. Get together and save yourselves…!
1b. If they answer and are NOT able to carry on a conversation they might be Zombies… or just really drunk, in which case, damn, it's a Zombie Apocalypse, give them a break… This would be a good time to say goodbye though, as they probably won't survive… You need a clear head in order to survive a Zombie Apocalypse... Remember that folks.
- Prepare Emergency Kits. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days in case you can't locate a Zombie-Free Refugee Camp right away.
2a. It will not be necessary to any bring money... Money will be useless... Everything thats left in stores will be FREE during the Zombie Apocalypse.
2b. It is recommended, however, to have a few females in your group that you can barter for goods and services from other groups you might encounter who did not have the foresight to bring along a few... Might seem harsh now but it will make sense during a Zombie Apocalypse.
- Plan Evacuation Routes. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., you), which means you need to get you out of town… fast...! Plan where you would go and have multiple routes planned ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance...!
3a. Pick a meeting place right outside your home to regroup in case zombies invade your hometown. This will be a spot local to you where you will initially meet. ( Check your respective group's designated meet-up location ).
3b. Pick one place way outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away ( Check your respective group's designated Zombie-Free Refugee Camp location ).
- Gear Up. Remember to gear up for the Zombie Apocalypse…. Squids will not fare well during the ZA…. a Full Leather and Boots with Full Armor and Full Face Helmet setup is your best bet for survival.
4a. Kevlar is the safest actually (studies have shown Kevlar prevents all known types of Zombie bites) but jeans made with Kevlar have the thigh area exposed (an industry drawback)…
4b. Do you fancy Flips-Flops…? Well, previously simulated Zombie attacks have shown that exposed toes are the first thing to go.
4c. Are you hung up on a Half-Helmet..? Get ready for a half-eaten face… Think that "Scary Skull" or "Killer Clown" face mask is gonna save you…? well, you should come along anyway, like I said we're gonna need some of you.
- Seek High Ground. According to my studies on the matter, Zombies have a difficult time climbing, but they fall pretty easily.
5a. Having the higher ground will prevent a Zombie cliff dive attack… They could be on a far up and away cliff and just drop off and be on you in seconds… maybe they'd lose a limb or two but they would still keep coming at you. crawlin' at ya like they do… they might seem lazy, but they are resilient, and they just keep coming.
5b. From high ground it will be easier to see them coming and easier to deter attacks and knock them back. (I know… I know… this was a boring one, but it needed to be said)
- Stay Fit. Not really good to be the most overweight in your group… but it is wise to have a few fatties along… at the very least a few chubbies… don't worry about them seeing this… none of 'em will think it's them.
6a. Zombies will be able to easily catch any of them just in case we run of out gas and have to hoof it and come across a roving Zombie hoard. Their size will also keep the Zombies busy eating for the most possible amount of time, while we can, you know, take off...
6b. One exercise we will be practicing during this day is… pretending to care about the ones we leave behind to be eaten…. It is an important exercise so we can go on acting like we are good people.
6c. If we come across more fatties during the Zombie Apocalypse, we can take them in, because they will trust us, after all, we are nice people. Then, we can use them when we need to… We will have the training.
6d. This exercise also has the combined benefit of preventing others in the group from overeating any community supplies during these lean times.
These are just some of the real world solutions that I bring to the table… For more check out the actual CDC (Center for Disease Control) website:
http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2011/05/preparedness-101-zombie-apocalypse/
All the preceding life-saving information was gleaned directly from the CDC website on the Zombie Apocalypse and other sources.***
*** Really…? You actually zoomed to check what sources….? Really…?
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I don't have a windshield on my bike so some of my personal preparation will involve changing bars… I've got pretty narrow ape-hangers designed for just such situations as Zombie repelling… but I'm considering changing to one of the types below to ensure Zombies definitely can't get thru and they just bounce off... Smart.
Please read and agree to the following:
This meetup consists of a group of independent riders out to enjoy the road together. You will be surrounded by like minded individuals, on their days off, out to have some fun, doing what they love doing.
These rides are all about having fun and feeling good. If you are suspected of not having fun, you will be asked to leave the ride for my safety and the safety of the group.
If you are not prepared to have fun, please stay home. Not just, don't join the ride, but actually stay home. Nobody wants to see your miserable self.
Now that the legal stuff is out of the way… enjoy the ride...
also... watch the MSF Group Riding Video and get home safe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erpkyD7SMfw
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