The Personality Puzzle: Can we really change ourselves?

You’ve probably heard it said: “People don’t really change.” But what if that’s wrong? What if you could train yourself to be, say, less anxious, more extroverted, more organized—and not with therapy, but through evidence-based strategies and habits that gradually shift your default patterns? Is our personality set in stone, or are we underestimating our power to transform? Let’s do a meetup to discuss.

Book: Me, But Better – The Science and Promise of Personality Change (2025) by Olga Khazan

Book (alternate): Be Who You Want – Unlocking the Science of Personality Change (2021) by Christian Jarrett

This month, we’re offering two book options tailored to different reading tastes—choose the one that suits you best.

If you enjoy engaging, personal narratives that blend memoir with research—think Eat, Pray, Love or Reasons Not to Worry—then Me, But Better by Olga Khazan may be the more appealing read. Khazan, a journalist, approaches the science of personality change by experimenting on herself, trying out methods for becoming more extroverted, agreeable, and emotionally stable. Along the way, she interviews psychologists and researchers, and reflects on her own experiences, offering a candid, sometimes humorous look at what it feels like to deliberately try to change who you are. The book is as much about the journey of self-discovery as it is about the science behind it.

For readers who prefer a more structured, research-driven exploration of personality science, Be Who You Want by psychologist Christian Jarrett provides a thorough and accessible overview. The book was the winner of the 2022 Book Prize from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology. As with Khazan, Jarrett goes through the Big Five personality traits—openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism—and explains how they shape our lives and how they can, under the right conditions, be changed. Drawing on decades of psychological studies, the book debunks common myths about fixed personality and offers practical guidance for people looking to grow or shift their traits. It’s ideal for those who want an evidence-based roadmap to personality change without the distraction of a personal memoir.

As usual, you’re strongly encouraged to read the book. Unfortunately, the Jarrett book may be harder to get if you are not an eBook or audiobook person (so order it early; you could also check out the libraries). There are also some podcasts, presentations and other related resources linked below that you may wish to look at. Both books draw on the Big Five personality traits model, which has stronger empirical support than popular alternatives like Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. I therefore encourage you to take a Big Five personality assessment, linked below, to explore where you fall on each dimension before we begin the meet up.

So, join us for a drink (and optional meal) at 6.30pm Monday, 4th August on the 2nd floor (i.e. up two flights of stairs) at the Keg & Brew Hotel, Surrey Hills. The Keg & Brew is close to Central Station and the Light Rail.

We hope to see you there!

p.s. Please adjust your RSVP if you have indicated that you will come but are no longer able to do so. This is courteous to people if there is a waitlist.

p.p.s. Please adjust your email notifications (particularly for the Big Ideas Book Club settings in the main email notification settings page). This is useful for giving any final details or late changes to the event.

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These are just optional links to consider, particularly if you can't get either of the books. But even if you have read one of the books, they may be useful as supplements. Feel free to pass on other useful links in the discussion section.

Audio-Visual

• Interviews with Olga Khazan:

In conversation with Maria Konnikova (1 hr)
Michael Shermer Podcast (1 hr)
With Daniel Pink (1 hr)

• Interviews and presentation by Christian Jarrett:

The next big idea (skip first 10 minutes)(1hr)
Lecture by Jarrett on the science of personality change (2 hrs)
The Psychology Podcast (50 mins)

• Summaries of the Big Five personality traits:

Personality - “Big 5” Traits
The Big 5 OCEAN Traits Explained

Written

• The Next Big Idea Club - 5 takeaways for both books

Olga Khazan - Me, But Better
Christian Jarrett - Be Who You Want

• Some summaries or extracts from the two books:

The Big Think - Khazan summarizes some key points
SoBrief summary of Jarrett's Be Who You Want
Jarrett on the introversion-extraversion dimension

• Do a Big Five personality assessment (3-8 minutes to complete; there are other more comprehensive ones around if you want to google them):

Big Five Personality Assessment

• Description of the Big Five Model of Personality

The Big Five personality model
What Are the Big 5 Personality Traits?

• Other books:
  - Personality: What Makes You the Way You Are by Daniel Nettle (2007) is an excellent, accessible explanation of the Big Five traits and their evolutionary basis, with implications for everyday behaviour.
  - Atomic Habits by James Clear could also be a good supplementary book, as it offers practical, evidence-based strategies for building small, consistent habits—an essential mechanism through which lasting personality change can occur.