How much should we try to influence other people?

Note: Café Philo is a way of meeting interesting, inquiring people who enjoy talking about life's big issues and conundrums in a convivial atmosphere, rather than a heavy-duty philosophy seminar. Read more about our approach here.

Every day, each of us makes countless decisions influenced by the subtle nudges and overt persuasion attempts surrounding us. That notification prompting you to check your mobile? That café layout guiding you past the pastries? These aren't accidents but deliberate attempts to shape your choices. As individuals, we simultaneously navigate these influences while exerting our own on friends, family, and colleagues. Today's discussion invites us to reflect: When we try to influence others, where does helpful persuasion end and manipulation begin?

The environments we create profoundly shape individual behavior. In Amsterdam, the transformation to a cycling culture began with activists demanding safer streets for their children. This grassroots movement of concerned parents and citizens eventually changed not just infrastructure but how individuals viewed their personal mobility choices. Today, the average Amsterdammer chooses to cycle not through mandate but because the city's design makes it the most natural, convenient option for many journeys.

In our personal relationships, influence takes more intimate forms. Think about how we share recommendations with friends—whether for books, films, or life choices. When a friend asks, "Should I take that job?" or "What did you think of that film?", we often feel a responsibility to guide them toward what we believe is best. Yet our advice inevitably filters through our own values and experiences. The line between supportive guidance and imposing our preferences can be remarkably thin, especially with those closest to us. How often have you censored your true opinion to avoid overly influencing someone you care about? In the most extreme forms within a relationship undue influence gradually turns into criminal coercive control - the victim may not even be aware that this is happening.

Even our most personal decisions—what happens to our organs after death, how we save for retirement—are influenced by default settings. When the UK shifted organ donation to "opt-out," they acknowledged how powerfully defaults shape individual choice. Most of us don't change these settings, whether from inertia, trust in the system, or simple busyness. Consider your own response: How would you feel discovering you'd been subtly guided toward a "better" choice? Would you appreciate it or resent the quiet influence on what feels like a deeply personal decision?

As we engage today, I invite you to reflect on your own experiences—both as someone who influences and is influenced. How do you feel when someone tries to change your mind? What approaches make you more receptive to new ideas? When you wish to persuade others, what methods do you employ, and do they align with how you'd prefer to be influenced yourself? Perhaps most importantly, how might we balance our desire to share what we believe is right with respect for others' autonomy and dignity?

To guide our discussion, consider these questions:

• In what ways do our attempts to influence others reveal our own values and assumptions about what constitutes a "good life"?
• How do power dynamics alter the ethics of influence—does a parent influencing a child differ fundamentally from a government influencing citizens?
• What distinguishes education from indoctrination, and at what point does sharing our perspective become imposing it?
• How has social media transformed the nature of personal influence, and what responsibilities come with our expanded ability to shape others' views?
• What role does transparency play in ethical influence—is a visible attempt to persuade always more ethical than a hidden one?
• When have you changed your mind based on another's influence, and what made that influence effective rather than off-putting?

Further reading (optional)
How Amsterdam became the bicycle capital of the world
The Ethics of Manipulation - Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy
How your friends change your habits - for better and worse
Coercive control

I hope the above "encourages" you to join us for an interesting discussion!
NOTE: I've limited the discussion to 12 people to ensure we have a manageable group for a pub conversation. If you sign up for a place and later find you can't come, PLEASE change your RSVP to NO.