A wise old friend once told me a story about potential manipulation.

He had had a disastrous marriage and his wife left, leaving him with their severely autistic daughter. After that, he wasn't interested in getting married again.

He told his girlfriend that and she said, "That's okay, we don't need to get married. You can just buy me a ring that looks like a wedding ring, and I'll wear that."

He said he wanted to think about it. The next day, he called her up and told her "no."

Even though she said she was okay with not getting married, he didn't believe her. He thought that if he bought her the ring, other people would assume they were married, even though they weren't. Then they would expect him to act as though he were her husband (this story happened a long time ago, back when people wore pajamas and had "morals"). In the end, he believed he would have all the responsibilities of a marriage without necessarily all the benefits, and at that point he might as well get married which, he believed, was her end game. So he said no.

This is what I would call "stage-setting," arranging a situation so it "calls for" different people to take various desired actions unless they want to endure social censure. In my mind at least, "stage-setting" is associated with Extraverted Feeling, the primary function of ENFJ and ESFJ, and the secondary function of INFJ and ISFJ. While they usually present as warm, friendly people, these types are "masters of meaning" in social situations, and are very capable, if they so choose, of orchestrating a situation where you will have to do what they want unless you want to be subject to guilt and shame. In this way, they can get their needs met indirectly, without ever having to explicitly state what those needs are or negotiate an up-front agreement as to expectations. This allows them to get their needs met while preserving both the self-image and the public image of being selfless individuals who are primarily focused on the needs of others.

But of course, manipulation isn't exclusive to any type-- it is a fact of life. Those who refuse to engage in any type of manipulation of any kind probably are at a disadvantage, and those who claim they are never manipulative are probably liars or people who don't have much insight into their actions and true motives. Or both.

What are your thoughts about manipulation and type?

Therese

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Manipulation and Personality Type

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