Something I said recently triggered a flurry of comments and emails, centered around the question of whether or not human beings can change.

My answer: yes and no. It's tricky.

No, I don't think our absolute essence changes. But what people really want to know is: can our behaviors, thoughts and feelings change? And as for that, my answer is yes. The problem is that we don't really know ourselves, that we react from false images of ourselves given by family, friends, teachers, society at large. We mistake these, and even our own thoughts, for our "self." In that sense, we're like onions with an infinite number of skins, or layers. We peel away or build upon until we find something that works, something that feels good in comparison to what we have known in the past. And there most of us stop. And in truth, the lessons learned before puberty are likely to stay with us the rest of our lives, if we don't engage in serious introspection.

Even as adults, we often react as if we are still children, helpless and controlled by giants with the powers of gods. This isn't very conducive to maturation. Often, people shift behaviors just by getting "realer" with themselves: a smoker quits because his doctor convinces him he will die if he doesn't, AND his children plead with him to be there to dance at their weddings.

Pain. Pleasure. The illusion that "I won't be the one who dies" or "it doesn't matter anyway" is shattered, and what emerges is a stronger person capable of uprooting a habit based in physical pleasures. This might be similar to a "coward" who runs into a burning building to save a loved one. What we think we are isn't what we are--but we react to the world, perceive the world, as if conscious and unconscious assumptions are correct.

I've known many people who are afraid to dig into themselves too deeply, afraid that if they do, they will find something hideous and ugly. In almost every case, these people were

1) Rejected by their parents.

2) Abused by people who should have protected them (family friends, relatives, priests or teachers)

3) Raped or badly beaten before the age of 20.

4) A member of a group reviled by their own society.

5) Trapped in a loveless, dominating or demeaning marriage.

Those five things come up so often that I think they touch some core circuits, some primary buttons connected directly to our sense of "is-ness."

If you believe that, at your essence you will find corruption, you dare not dive deeply. And since it is inevitable that you will enter damaged areas of your psyche as you move toward the center of your being, it is easy to imagine the negativity you encounter as "proof" that that is your essential nature.

I suppose that this is one of the reasons I believe that our core is loving energy. An urge to join, to merge, to evolve. The fact that I can present evidence from physics or biology or philosophy or religion to support this belief is irrelevant to its truth or falsity: others can present evidence to the contrary.

And if this belief made me more vulnerable, gave me greater pain than pleasure, I almost certainly would have abandoned it. But it has not. I realize my real attitude is: "Have an open heart, but be ready to kick ass if necessary." I guess I can live with that. Some of the bitterest people I know started as loving, open-hearted sweeties. And when they got their teeth kicked in in love relationships, jobs, the political process or whatever, they began to believe that the world is a dark and ugly place where you have to keep your hands up at all times. I feel sorry for the extremes of this attitude ("Trust everyone!" "Trust no one!") because what it really means is that they can't trust themselves.

I love an expression Swift Deer often used: "Don't trust people. Instead, rely on them to do what they see as being in their own best interest." I love this, because it puts the responsibility in YOUR hands. In other words, you can't trust other people more than you trust yourself.

How do you learn to trust yourself? Be honest about the reasons for the results you've gotten in your life. Place yourself at the center of your world, take responsibility... and realize that everyone else is at the center of THEIR circle as well.

We get into trouble when we expect others to orbit us, or when we feel we are less than others. I've heard it said that the beginning of evil is viewing other human beings as means rather than ends. Another is to not love ourselves, and then extend that love fully to others. That doesn't mean I won't defend myself from you--just that physical violence will be the absolute last resort, and that I will do all in my power to avoid it honorably.

-Steve Barnes, http://darkush.blogspot.com/2009/06/can-we-change-and-resident-evil-5.html