What Happens When We Stop Arguing With the Past?

What Happens When We Stop Arguing With the Past?

At our last meetup group, we talked about regret—a topic significant enough to draw several new women to the group.

Simply put, regrets are feelings or experiences that have already occurred, yet we don’t like the way they turned out. Because of this, we replay them over and over again, keeping ourselves caught in the past with the hope that somehow we might eventually change the ending.

Sometimes the past feels impossible to let go of because we believe what we did seemed so wrong that we deserve to carry the burden for years, and maybe for decades. This becomes a form of self-punishment for what feels unforgivable.

And for many of us, the most damaging part of regret is not the event itself, but the way we talk to ourselves about it. Often, we are barely aware of this inner dialogue that shapes our lives not only in the past but also in the present.

It can sound like:

• I should have known better.

• If only I had…

• Why didn’t I see it then?

• It shouldn’t have happened that way.

• Next time I’ll…


While these statements may seem harmless, they reinforce the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us—that we are flawed, careless, or incapable of making good choices.

This is not self-exploration. It is self-demeaning.

There is no curiosity. There is no self-reflection. We are not learning from our mistakes. We are not forgiving ourselves for making the best choices we could at that time. Rather, we are demeaning ourselves for the actions we took in the past.

Holding on to regrets is therefore a way to make ourselves wrong over and over again.

And this will NOT bring us the relief we would desire. Rather, by holding onto regrets, we imprison ourselves. We lose our capacity to live in the present and instead stay stuck in past events.

Research has shown that persistent negative self-talk can have a profound effect on our health and overall well-being. When we revisit mistakes with judgment, our nervous system does not recognize that the event is over. Instead, it responds as if the threat is happening right now, activating the stress response. The sympathetic “fight or flight” system is engaged. Stress hormones such as cortisol are released. Muscles tighten. The body prepares for danger. And for many of us, we live this way chronically .

A scary part of this is that often we don’t even realize this is
happening. That is, it feels normal to criticize ourselves.
Not that what happened didn’t matter. We are not dismissing responsibility, loss, or pain. Instead, we are acknowledging a simple truth: the past cannot be changed, but our relationship to it can.

How do we do this?

The first step is awareness. We begin by noticing how frequently—and how harshly—we criticize ourselves. For some, this realization can be startling. We may discover that the voice we speak to ourselves is far more unforgiving than anything we would ever direct toward someone we care about.

From here, change does not come from forcing positive thinking or erasing the past. Rather, it comes from gently shifting how we relate to our inner experience. It comes from recognizing that accountability does not require cruelty, and that growth does not require endless self-punishment.

When we stop arguing with the past, we create space to live more fully in the present. We begin to loosen the grip of regret, not by denying what happened, but by meeting ourselves with understanding, honesty, and care.

And in that space, something new becomes possible.

Join us on January 21st from 5-6:30 PST