The Ageism Inside: Unlearning the Fear of Getting Older

Please note: regardless of what it says on the invitation, this Meetup is always scheduled for Wednesdays from 5-6:30 PST. Sometimes the event is sent from another time zone and is not reflected in PST. Please ignore that—that would be incorrect. Please note this Meetup is ALWAYS scheduled for 5-6:30 PST regardless of what is written in the blurb.

The Ageism Inside: Unlearning the Fear of Getting Older

When I started this Meetup group over 4 years ago, I wrote the following:

In our youth-oriented society, most of us have grown up with a deep-seated fear and loathing of old age. Growing older generally means uselessness, helplessness, wrinkled skin, and chronic illnesses. To counter this perspective, we desperately swallow our fears and pretend that 70 is the new 50, grateful when someone "compliments" us by saying, "You look great for your age." This is the societal unspoken goal in life—to look young for as long as possible, for the underlying message is that growing old is something to dread.

It is therefore terribly difficult to live in such an ageist society without absorbing many of these ideas and generally considering them as the truth. This is especially relevant for us as women, already demonized, disrespected, and demeaned in this society. So it is no wonder that these messages permeate our consciousness, shaping our internal beliefs about ourselves and about our aging process.

For example, we often inaccurately blame many of our experiences in our later years on our aging, often without considering whether aging is really the source. When something changes in our bodies, or in our energy, or in our mood, or in our confidence, we might say these changes are all happening because we are old. If we forget where we put our keys, we label it as "a senior moment." If our knee hurts, we may assume it is because we are old. If we feel depressed or disconnected because we have lost a sense of purpose, we may assume it is because we are older.

But when we blame everything on aging, we stop inquiring into what is really going on. We think we already know the answer. Aging becomes the automatic explanation without properly inquiring into what is truly going on.

I want to be very clear: questioning internalized ageism does not mean denying that aging can be genuinely hard. It is hard to be diagnosed with illnesses. It is hard when our bodies change in ways that limit us. It is hard to lose a partner, a friend, a sibling, or someone who has known us for decades. It is hard to watch people we love become ill. It is hard to worry about money, housing, care, independence, and survival.

So the point is not to pretend that aging is easy, or that every difficulty is simply caused by negative thinking. The point is to ask whether ageism adds another layer of suffering by teaching us to see every change as decline, every vulnerability as failure, and every need for help as proof that we are becoming less valuable.

It is the automatic assumption that everything is about aging that I am questioning. This narrows our experiences. It tells us that decline is the only explanation. All roads lead back to this supposedly terrible life process called aging, as if aging itself is ruining our lives.

But I would like us to question this story.

There is another way to view all this. Maybe the more useful question is not, "Am I getting older?" but rather, "What else might be true here?" Am I in pain because I am getting older, or do I need movement, medical care, rest, strength training, support, or a different way to use my body? Am I feeling invisible because I am older, or rather because our culture has taught women to disappear as they age? Am I tired because I am old, or because I am overextended, unsupported, grieving, undernourished, restless, bored, or in need of change?

Internalized ageism narrows the story. It tells us decline is the only explanation. But many of our negative thoughts about aging may not be accurate. They may be inherited beliefs that we have simply taken for granted.

This is how oppression works. Those who hold power maintain it, in part, by demeaning others. And often, those who are diminished by that power begin to absorb the belief that they are somehow inferior.

So this week, I would like us to explore internalized ageism: the messages we have absorbed about aging, especially as women, and how those messages shape our choices, confidence, bodies, relationships, sexuality, work, creativity, and sense of possibility.

Rather than treating aging only as decline, I would like us to think about these questions:

• What have we been taught to fear?
• What have we mistaken for truth?
• What do I blame on aging that might deserve more curiosity?
• Where have I lowered my expectations for myself because of age?
• What ageist belief about older women do I no longer want to accept as true?
• What would change if I saw aging not only as loss, but also as accumulation—of clarity, boundaries, experience, wisdom, and freedom? What might we reclaim?

Join us on Wednesday, July 1st, from 5:00–6:30 p.m. PST.

Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89494059358?pwd=y0pbzYvdtqVJBdI9S5CZwIKwCM4jTv.1