Right-Sized Anger: Not Too Much, Not Too Little But Just Right

Please note: regardless of what it says on the invitation, this Meetup is always scheduled for Wednesdays from 5-6:30 PST. Sometimes the event is sent from another time zone and is not reflected in PST. Please ignore that—that would be incorrect. Please note this Meetup is ALWAYS scheduled for 5-6:30 PST regardless of what is written in the blurb.

Right-Sized Anger: Not Too Much, Not Too Little But Just Right

Many of us have complicated relationships with anger. We live in a society that doesn’t like to deal with anger openly, so in many ways, anger becomes a taboo subject and can come out in extreme ways. We either pull it far back inside ourselves, where it can eat us up, or we blast it onto others, where it can greatly affect our relationships. Often, we don’t know how to operate from the middle ground where we can feel our anger without being controlled by it.

For some of us, we have been taught that anger is dangerous, scary, or unfeminine. We may have learned early on that anger makes other people uncomfortable and can threaten relationships. Better to not make waves. Better to become invisible with our upset. Better not to risk being judged or disapproved.

So our anger gets held in. We swallow it, minimize it, explain it away, or turn it against ourselves. We may become silent, tense, resentful, or exhausted. We may feel hurt but tell ourselves we are overreacting.

However, when our reaction to anger is too small, or when we make it disappear too quickly, we may lose contact with our own needs and limits. It can eat us up inside. We may say, “It’s fine,” when it is actually not fine at all.

Over time, held-in anger can evolve into bitterness, depression, anxiety, emotional distancing, or a quiet sense of self-betrayal. Additionally, there may be health consequences related to chronically suppressed anger and stress, such as high blood pressure, headaches, muscle tension, digestive problems, and a strain on the nervous system.

Then there are the others of us who express our anger very forcefully and very loudly. It may arrive as yelling, blaming, sarcasm, harshness, or an urge to belittle others in an attempt to feel less powerless ourselves. The results can be devastating in our relationships with others. No one likes to be yelled at, and people may pull away. At times, we are left with deep remorse for hurting others.

Sometimes this kind of anger is an attempt to finally be heard, especially if we have spent years being ignored or dismissed. But when anger gets too big, it can flood the room. The intensity may become so strong that the message underneath it gets lost. Instead of protecting us, anger may begin to isolate us, frighten others, push them away, or leave us feeling ashamed afterward.

So in one case, the anger is directed inward, and in another case, the anger is directed outward. These are two sides of the same coin — different ways of reacting, but both can represent misplaced or unregulated anger, having significant repercussions on our lives. Both can show us where we need more skill, more support and more self-awareness.

And actually, it is not the anger that is the problem, but rather that anger is often a response to the real problem. Anger is often a signal that something uncomfortable is going on. It may tell us that a boundary has been crossed, that something feels unfair, that we are being dismissed, that a need has gone unmet, or that some part of us is trying to protect our dignity. Anger can say, “This matters.” It can say, “I am not okay with this.” It can say, “I am still here, and I still deserve respect.”

For women in particular, anger is often judged more harshly than sadness, worry, or guilt, almost as if those emotions are women’s emotions and anger is a man’s emotion. There may be an expectation for women to hold in anger congruently with her defined role in society. And when a woman is angry, she may be seen as a bitch, stepping out of line in her identified role. She is scorned for taking that masculine behavior. Therefore, instead of learning how to understand anger, many of us learned how to either contain it, hide it, apologize for it, fear it, or explode with rage when underlying emotions get triggered.

So the question is not simply, “Should I be angry or not?” There are many times when it is appropriate to be angry. A better question may be: “What would right-sized anger look like here?” What is the way that I can balance these feelings? Right-sized anger is not the same as being calm all the time. It is also not the same as exploding. Right-sized anger has dignity. It has proportion. It helps us tell the truth without abandoning ourselves or attacking someone else.

Right-sized anger might sound like: “This matters to me.” “I don’t want to be spoken to that way.” “I need something to change.” “I have been pretending this is okay, and it is not.” It may be firm, direct, and clear. It may still have emotion in it. But it does not have to destroy connection in order to protect the self. Think of Michelle Obama for example.

This topic can be especially meaningful as we age. Later life can bring many experiences that stir anger: feeling invisible, being patronized, losing control over parts of life, carrying years of resentment, facing body changes, grieving missed opportunities, or recognizing how much we have accommodated others. Aging can also bring clarity. We may become less willing to tolerate disrespect, less interested in pleasing everyone, and more aware of the time and energy we do not want to waste.

In this conversation, we are not here to judge anger as good or bad. We are here to get curious about it. What is our anger trying to protect? When do we silence it too quickly? When does it come out too strongly? What old stories do we carry about angry women? And what might it mean to have anger that gives us a backbone without taking over the whole room?

Perhaps right-sized anger is the part of us that says: “I do not need to disappear, and I do not need to explode. I can stand here, tell the truth, and still remain connected to myself.”

Join us on Wednesday, July 15th from 5–6:30 PM PST.