The Fear of Joy

Please note: regardless of what it says on the invitation, this Meetup is always scheduled for Wednesdays from 5-6:30 PST. Sometimes the event is sent from another time zone and is not reflected in PST. Please ignore that—that would be incorrect. Please note this Meetup is ALWAYS scheduled for 5-6:30 PST regardless of what is written in the blurb.

The Fear of Joy

What is it about the human condition that finds struggle more familiar than joy?
How is it that we live in a culture that can find joy more frightening than grief and sadness?

What if joy isn’t the easiest emotion to feel but instead the hardest?

Many women discover that as they age, living with joy can feel surprisingly vulnerable.
After living a life filled with life's challenges, losses, and disappointments, allowing ourselves to fully experience joy can feel risky. Living with joy opens our hearts, allowing us to feel open, exposed, and undefended—which, for many, may be just too scary.

Therefore, in order to protect ourselves, we hold back from joy, believing that if we don't let ourselves feel too much, we won't be hurt as deeply. This is often an unconscious choice.

Dr. Brené Brown's research reveals that joy is actually the most vulnerable and often the most terrifying human emotion. She describes what she calls “foreboding joy" which is the tendency to anticipate tragedy in moments of happiness in order to bypass our vulnerability.

When we feel deep love, gratitude, or joy, we suddenly become aware that we could someday lose what we cherish. Rather than simply receiving the joy, we brace ourselves for heartbreak. We begin to rehearse loss before it has even happened.

Some of the ways this can show up are the following:

• We believe that if we become too joyful, something bad will happen to take it away, so it feels safer to stay emotionally guarded.
• If we become too trusting or vulnerable, we worry we won't be able to protect ourselves from being hurt or being taken advantage of.
• We feel guilty about experiencing joy when so many others are suffering.
• We believe we don't deserve joy—that suffering is somehow more honorable.
• We become attached to our suffering because it has become part of our identity, a badge of survival. Letting go of it can almost feel like dishonoring everything we've endured.
• We fear trusting the unknown. If we can expect the worst, we feel more in control.

People often convince themselves that if they don't allow themselves to become too happy, then future loss won't hurt as much. They may mentally rehearse tragedy so they will be "prepared." This often an unconscious belief living while “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

But does this actually protect us?

First, there is no guarantee that tragedy is coming. We can spend years anticipating suffering that never arrives, robbing ourselves of the very life that is unfolding before us.

Second—and perhaps more importantly—denying ourselves joy does not protect us from pain. Pain and suffering are inevitable parts of being human. We cannot bargain with life by refusing joy and thinking we won’t have pain and suffering. It just doesn’t work that way. Life will still bring loss, whether we have lived fully or have held ourselves back.
Perhaps our greatest protection is not emotional armor, but emotional capacity—the ability to remain open enough to experience both grief and joy.

Joy does not cancel grief, nor does grief cancel joy. We are capable of holding both.

When we learn to hold both joy and grief, we live a richer, fuller life. When we live in fear (FEAR- False Evidence Appearing Real), we often hold back our passion, gratitude, and delight in life.

Therefore, the question is not whether we will experience grief. We will.

Rather, the real question is whether we will allow ourselves to experience joy. Joy is the opposite of grief, the complete positive emotional state countering heavy sorrow. Joy is not a reward we earn after suffering. It is not something we must wait for until life is “perfect” or until we are “perfect.” Rather, joy is available in every moment, even while sitting next to grief. Every time we choose to be fully present to a beautiful moment, seeing a sunset, hearing a bird sing, watching a child play, we are saying yes to life—even while knowing that life also includes loss. This is a practice and not always easy. This takes courage to choose to act from our joyful heart. This take courage to be willing to love this moment while we have it.

As Dr. Brené Brown's says, joy is actually the most vulnerable and often the most terrifying human emotion. But also the most fulfilling.
Join us on August 5th, 5-6:30 PM. PST