Details
De-Trails: Half-Assed Hampton Hash: The 250th Sesqui-Whatever-ial Shit Show
Hares: Clits 'n Chips or Chips 'n Clits, and Cumball Machine
This trail was planned with the same level of care and foresight as our country. It's short. It's shitty. It was thrown together because somebody said "we should hash" and we didn't say no fast enough. In honor of Hampton's 250th Sesquicentennialbicentennial-ish Foundational Whatever, hares have hidden Extremely Important Historical Facts along trail that are almost certainly made up. Bonus points to any FRB who can repeat one back correctly by circle.
A - A trail
Start: Top floor, Settler's Landing parking garage, Hampton VA — 3pm HST. Gather early, hares are lazy and leaving at 3:30 whether trail is marked or not.
On-After: Stillwater. Buns, brews, and a bartender who will regret making eye contact with this pack.
Tunnels: Only if the parking garage stairwell counts, in which case yes, several.
Water: Hampton is basically wet dirt surrounded by more wet water, so expect optional (lol) crossings near the waterfront. Bring shoes you're willing to sacrifice to the Chesapeake Bay gods. Rumor has it the original 1607-ish settlers also got their feet wet looking for this trail, so really it's tradition.
Sesqui-Useless Facts on Trail (accuracy not guaranteed, hares were drinking while researching):
Turkey/Eagle: Trade a hare a shot of literally anything for a shortcut. They left in a hurry and won't remember the real trail anyway.
Shiggy: 2.50 (get it)
Mileage: ~2.5, because well, get it?
Promises/Lies: A well-marked, thoughtfully-designed trail celebrating 250 years of Hampton history. Or: two hares wandering downtown Hampton for 30 minutes throwing flour at storm drains and calling it "water crossings." Either way, beer at the end.
What to bring:
$5
Low expectations (lower than usual)
Shoes that can get wet and you won't miss
Dry Bag if you are feeling ambitious
Willingness to pretend this was on purpose
Do NOT bring:
High expectations
A GPS that actually works; it'll just make you angry
Anyone who "needs a real trail"
Dry feet, dry feet are not invited