Rifftrax: Jurassic World

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They say you can never go back again. Jurassic World proves that you can, as long as you go there in a Mercedes-Benz SUV, prominently feature that SUV in several shots, and generally keep your expectations lower than the hanging belly of a CGI stegosaurus.

Jurassic World pays homage to the original Jurassic Park by constantly reminding you that you are not watching Jurassic Park, and that you sure wish you were watching Jurassic Park, or even the 90s ABC family sitcom Dinosaurs, instead. Fortunately, we are here to help!

And so is Chris Pratt, doing his best to fill the complicated role of Running Guy. And Bryce Dallas Howard, doing an admirable job as No-Nonsense Businesswoman Who Has Apparently Never Even Heard Of Children And Gosh Does She Have Some Big Lessons To Learn About What’s Important In Life. There are also a couple of little boys you will forget about 5 minutes after the movie ends.

Hold onto your butts, say a quick prayer to Goldblum, and laugh the crimes against nature and film away with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. It’s Jurassic World!