The Fancy Pants Promenade: Portland’s Snootiest Hike

There are some people who like their hiking mean and rough. They dive into briar patches, wrestle bears, and if they come out alive, they call it a fantastic hike.

This is not that kind of hike.

This is Portland’s most fancy-pants, heavily curated trail. The benches show up like they’re on a timetable and the vistas are so composed you can almost hear the forest saying, “Now hold for applause.”

We’ll be walking through the lovingly orchestrated vision of early 20th-century landscape geniuses like Frederick Law Olmsted and Emanuel Foulkes, and I’ll be pointing out the history behind what you’re seeing as we go. Every curve, tree, and pond was placed to make you feel calm, inspired, and vaguely superior to people walking in parking lots.

We will begin at Pittock Mansion, where we have made arrangements for Henry Pittock to be carefully resurrected from the dead so he can wave us off with the solemn dignity of a man who cannot believe we are calling this “exercise.”

From there, we head down the trail where, at any moment, white-gloved waiters may mysteriously pop out of the woods with hors d’oeuvres. Foot massages may spontaneously occur. None of this is guaranteed, but the trail is absolutely giving that vibe.

The Stats:
Mostly dirt trails with numerous benches, vistas, info placards & observation decks
Meeting Point Location: Pittock Mansion Parking Lot - SW Corner
Meeting Point Address: 3229 NW Pittock Dr, Portland, OR 97210
Google Maps Meeting Point
Meeting Point GPS: 45.52534333459855, -122.71828236519642
Map of our hike. Press “preview route” to see animated trail.
Distance: Approximately 4.0 miles
Elevation gain: 741 feet.
Estimated time on trail: 2 hours
Difficulty level: Moderate
Trail type: Loop
Parking: Paid Parking Kitty lot at Pittock Mansion
Overflow Parking Locations: NW Monte Vista Terrace, NW Hermosa Blvd, NW Valle Vista Terrace, NW Imperial Terrace, NW Beuhla Vista Terrace
Bathrooms at Pittock Mansion Trailhead & Halfway through at Hoyt Arboretum

This is your chance to feel outdoorsy, cultured, and vaguely aristocratic without owning a mansion.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Walk leaders are volunteers, not professionals. By participating in this event, you and your guests accept full responsibility for your own well-being/health/safety/COVID protocol and completely absolve the event hosts, the Portland Urban Pedestrians group, and Meetup of any responsibility for illness or injury that may occur during the walk.