Self determination theory: why we give up? 🇸🇪
Details
We often explain giving up as weakness, laziness, lack of discipline, or failure of character. But Self-Determination Theory suggests something deeper: people do not simply lose motivation randomly. Motivation weakens when basic psychological needs are frustrated.
According to this theory, human beings need three things to stay genuinely motivated:
Autonomy — feeling that I choose what I do.
Competence — feeling that I can improve and have some control.
Relatedness — feeling connected, supported, and recognized by others.
When these needs are damaged, people may continue for a while through pressure, fear, shame, duty, or external rewards. But over time, they may become exhausted, resentful, empty, or indifferent.
So the question is not only:
> Why do people give up?
but also:
> What kind of life, society, work, relationship, or goal makes people lose the will to continue?
And maybe even more importantly:
> Is giving up always failure — or can it sometimes be wisdom?
---
# Key Figures and Main Ideas
## Edward Deci and Richard Ryan — Self-Determination Theory
They are the central figures behind Self-Determination Theory.
Main idea:
Human motivation becomes stronger and healthier when autonomy, competence, and relatedness are supported.
People give up not only because a task is hard, but because they feel controlled, incapable, isolated, or disconnected from meaning.
Useful question:
Do we give up because we are weak, or because our basic psychological needs are not being met?
---
## Martin Seligman — Learned Helplessness
Seligman studied how people and animals can stop trying when they repeatedly experience that their actions do not change the outcome.
Main idea:
When people feel that nothing they do matters, they may stop acting even when possibilities exist.
Useful question:
Is giving up sometimes learned from repeated powerlessness?
---
## Albert Bandura — Self-Efficacy
Bandura emphasized the importance of believing that one is capable of acting effectively.
Main idea:
People are more likely to continue when they believe: “I can influence the result.”
Useful question:
How much of persistence depends on believing we are capable?
---
## Carol Dweck — Growth Mindset
Dweck distinguishes between fixed mindset and growth mindset.
A fixed mindset says:
> If I fail, it means I am not good enough.
A growth mindset says:
> If I fail, I can learn and develop.
Main idea:
People give up more easily when they interpret difficulty as proof of personal inadequacy.
Useful question:
Do people give up because they fail, or because of what failure means to them?
---
## Viktor Frankl — Meaning and Endurance
Frankl argued that human beings can endure great suffering if they find meaning in it.
Main idea:
Meaning can help people continue when pleasure, comfort, and success disappear.
Useful question:
Can meaning keep us going when motivation is gone?
---
## Albert Camus — Revolt Against the Absurd
Camus believed that life does not always give us clear meaning or justice. Still, we can choose to continue with honesty and courage.
Main idea:
Continuing can be an act of revolt against meaninglessness.
Useful question:
Can persistence be meaningful even when success is uncertain?
---
## Byung-Chul Han — Burnout and the Pressure to Perform
Han argues that modern society often turns people into self-exploiting performers. People are told they are free, but they feel constant pressure to optimize themselves.
Main idea:
Sometimes people give up not because they lack freedom, but because they are crushed by the demand to constantly succeed.
Useful question:
Is modern burnout a failure of individuals, or of the culture of performance?
---
# Two-Hour Discussion Structure
## Part I — What Does It Mean to Give Up? — 15 minutes
# Opening Question Ask everyone: > Introduce yourself and describe something you once gave up on. Looking back, was it a failure, a relief, or a wise decision?
- What does “giving up” actually mean?
- Is giving up always negative?
- What is the difference between giving up, resting, quitting, changing direction, and accepting reality?
- When do we judge someone harshly for giving up?
- Can giving up sometimes be an act of freedom?
Core tension:
> Is giving up failure, or can it be self-knowledge?
---
## Part II — Motivation: What Keeps Us Going? — 20 minutes
- Why do people continue difficult things?
- Is discipline enough without motivation?
- What is stronger: fear, reward, duty, love, meaning, or curiosity?
- What is the difference between wanting to do something and feeling forced to do it?
- Can external pressure destroy inner motivation?
Connection to Self-Determination Theory:
Autonomous motivation is stronger than controlled motivation.
Core tension:
> Do we persist best when we are pushed, or when we feel ownership?
---
## Part III — Autonomy: Do I Choose This? — 20 minutes
- How important is freedom in motivation?
- Do people lose energy when they feel controlled?
- Can someone succeed externally while feeling internally trapped?
- Why do we resist things even when they are good for us?
- How does shame, guilt, or pressure affect motivation?
Core tension:
> If I do something only because I must, is it still truly mine?
---
## Part IV — Competence: Do I Feel Capable? — 20 minutes
- Why does repeated failure make people stop trying?
- What happens when a person feels they cannot improve?
- Is confidence necessary for persistence?
- Can too much difficulty destroy motivation?
- Can too much ease also destroy motivation?
- How important is visible progress?
Core tension:
> Do people give up because the goal is impossible, or because they cannot see progress?
---
## Part V — Relatedness: Who Supports Me? — 15 minutes
- How much does motivation depend on other people?
- Do people give up more easily when they feel alone?
- Can love, friendship, recognition, or belonging help people continue?
- What happens when people feel invisible?
- Can a group give someone motivation they cannot find alone?
Core tension:
> Is motivation individual, or relational?
---
## Part VI — Meaning, Burnout, and Emptiness — 20 minutes
- Can people give up because something no longer feels meaningful?
- What is the difference between tiredness and loss of meaning?
- Why do people burn out even when they are successful?
- Can ambition become a trap?
- Is modern society producing more motivation — or more exhaustion?
- Can a person continue for years and still have spiritually “given up”?
Core tension:
> Is burnout the body saying no to a life the mind keeps accepting?
---
## Part VII — When Giving Up Is Wise — 20 minutes
- When is quitting the right decision?
- How do we know the difference between weakness and wisdom?
- Should we always finish what we started?
- Can loyalty to a goal become self-destruction?
- Can giving up one dream create space for a better life?
- What should we never give up on?
Core tension:
> Is courage always continuing, or sometimes stopping?
---
## Final Reflection — 10 minutes
- Why do you think people really give up?
- Which matters most for motivation: autonomy, competence, relatedness, or meaning?
- What kind of environment helps people continue?
- What kind of society makes people give up?
- What is something worth continuing even without guarantee of success?
---
--
Closing Questio
> If people give up when autonomy, competence, relatedness, and meaning disappear, then what responsibility do we have to create lives — and societies — where people can keep going