29th Officially We Need a New Temporary Unofficial Event Name... Event!!

🕵️‍♂️🔍 BOARD GAME NIGHT XXIX – THE CASE OF THE SEVEN WONDERS 🔍🕵️‍♂️

It was a Tuesday. Early February.

I was already running five minutes late due to what the city insisted on calling “manageable road conditions” when the call came in. Something had happened at the Wizard’s Loft. The report was vague, which I took as an encouraging sign. By the time I arrived a sizeable crowd had formed inside the café, most of them standing in silence around a cordoned-off corner of the room, unsure what they were witnessing. A scene that can only be described as civilization and simultaneous play having violently agreed to occupy the same timeline. It was obvious there had been seven of them. Equally obvious was the fact that whatever had happened next had happened all at once.

The more unsettling detail, however, was not the destruction, it was the absence. There were no players anywhere in sight. No chairs pulled back. No drinks half-finished. No one insisting they were “actually doing pretty well.” Just the civilizations, left behind in a state of unmistakable failure, as if their creators had vanished mid-thought, leaving the consequences behind for someone else to sort out.

A few people were pretending to browse shelves they had no intention of buying from. Others had settled into that particular stance reserved for true-crime podcasts: arms crossed, heads tilted, quietly confident that whatever had happened here was not their fault. No one touched anything. No one knew what anything meant. This was no longer an evening of board games. It was an active scene.
----
🧠🤖 SHERLOCK HOLMES MEETS INSPECTOR GADGET 🤖🧠

Somewhere during this process, I began taking notes. This was not intentional. It started with a few observations said out loud, followed by a longer pause than necessary, and eventually progressed to walking the perimeter of the scene with my hands behind my back. Occasionally stopping to peer at evidence from an unnecessarily close distance. I found myself nodding thoughtfully at things no one had asked about, referencing patterns, and using phrases like “interesting” and “that tracks.” At no point did anyone object, which I took as confirmation.

What follows are the findings, compiled in the order they presented themselves, using methods borrowed loosely from Sherlock Holmes, Columbo, and the general assumption that if I sounded confident enough, this would all count.

Exhibit #1

• Red Conflict Tokens: stacked neatly like a warning label. Every single one positive. Violence clearly expected to resolve everything.
• Strategic Diagram: labeled “North of Calgary Strategy.” Arrows, blockades, and the words “Starve, then conquer.”
• Structural Damage: selective, deliberate, paid-for. Patterns consistent with prior Warlord activity.
• Grain Reserves: empty sacks marked “Non-Essential.” Military readiness unaffected.

Conclusion: The evidence was consistent. Starvation was intentional. Destruction was deliberate. Military dominance had been pursued without pause, reflection, or contingency. This civilization collapsed due to Military Tunnel Vision - the belief that overwhelming force would eventually resolve every problem. The hallmarks were unmistakable. Brad the Destroyer of Districts.

Exhibit #2

• Accelerated Construction: evidence suggested high-value resources were sacrificed without hesitation to hasten completion. Progress appeared to be prioritized over everything else.
• Cooling Mechanism: a lone fan-like apparatus stood beside the Wonder, pointed confidently at the largest structure, as if proximity alone was expected to resolve overheating concerns.
• Egg Artifacts: small egg-shaped objects were discovered carefully placed throughout the ruins. Their placement suggested great care had been taken to protect them, possibly as a long-term victory point strategy.
• Artificial Habitats: the surrounding environment appeared engineered specifically to support the Wonder, rather than the civilization itself, as if the ecosystem were an accessory.

Conclusion: The evidence pointed not to neglect, but to belief. The Wonder was pursued with absolute confidence, fed by discarded resources, surrounded by decorative ecosystems, and cooled by optimism alone. Eggs were protected. Habitats were curated. A fan was aimed at the problem. All signs indicated a civilization that believed if something was built beautifully enough, everything else would simply work itself out. It did not. This civilization collapsed due to Wonder Obsession - Such focused wonder conviction of only one. Richard the Monumentalist.

Exhibit #3

• No Signs of Struggle: there were no barricades, no damage, no emergency measures. Whatever happened, it was not resisted.
• Perfectly Maintained Gardens: the gardens were immaculate. Irrigation flowed. Paths were clear. No signs of neglect were present. No gardeners were found.
• Calm Endings: meals were set. Tools were neatly arranged. Nothing appeared abandoned in haste. The civilization seemed to have simply… stopped being necessary.
• The Black Cat: a black cat occupied the most comfortable location in the city, undisturbed by the absence of its creators. The system appeared to be working as intended.

Conclusion: The evidence showed no panic, no resistance, and no collapse in the traditional sense. Systems functioned flawlessly. Nature thrived. Daily life had been refined into a state of effortless calm. Whatever problem this civilization set out to solve, it solved completely. Like a 0% Guinness left to be savored indefinitely, progress was never rushed, never forced, and never questioned. Eventually, nothing was required anymore—not even the people. This civilization collapsed due to Science Runaway - the pursuit of perfect efficiency until the society itself became optional. The hallmarks were serene, considerate, and now onbsolete. Sasha the Gentle Singularity.

Exhibit #4

• Gold Overload: Coins were found everywhere. On the floor. In containers. In places where walls should have been. It was difficult to determine where the civilization ended and the money began.
• Hoarding Behavior: The coins were discovered sorted by size, weight, and emotional attachment. With all evidence strongly suggesting zero intention of spending any of them.
• Transaction Records: Ledgers revealed a civilization where no offer was ever refused. Everything was for sale. Districts, influence, dignity. One entry showed an entire Commercial District acquired in exchange for two eggs and a Love Hut visit.
• Emergency Reserve: A second, equally gold-saturated settlement was discovered beneath the first, clearly constructed as a precaution against the unlikely event that too much money might somehow be insufficient.

Conclusion: The findings were overwhelming and frankly, impressive! Everything shiny, polished, accumulated and catalogued. Every decision based on the comforting presence of more money. When confronted with uncertainty, the response was always the same - acquire more gold and schedule the problem for a future meeting that never occurred. This civilization collapsed due to Coin Greed - the conviction that if something couldn’t be solved with gold, it simply hadn’t been given enough gold yet. The outcome was inevitable. Everything was golden. Including the trademark mistake. Cody the King of Gold (and Nothing Else)

Exhibit #5

• Voltage shrines: small altars were found throughout the city displaying amp ratings, load charts, and tiered pricing plans. inscriptions on the walls referenced “basic,” “premium,” and “unlimited” tiers. Candles had been replaced with glowing indicators whose glow intensified when demand increased.
• Civilization to Civilization Billing: billing records discovered show Alexandria charged for library surveillance systems, Babylon billed for continuous garden flow services, and Giza assessed ongoing monument stabilization fees. All were categorized as essential utilities.
• Always-on Hidden Clause: comprehensive billing registry revealed that usage meters had been installed across all civilizations. Installation logs suggested the work was completed discreetly, efficiently, and without raising any questions. Everything was tracked. Everything was billed. Every step taken by a trade camel, every shoelace tied, every idle conversation, every turn taken, whether played or not. It appeared the only thing never invoiced was Jon’s confidence that this was all reasonable.
• Lightning Branding: lightning symbols were used to promote efficiency and premium access. Other civilizations interpreted this as an announcement of coming divine wrath. They closed all borders, severed all ties and began preparing for the impending Apocalypse.

Conclusion: The evidence was consistent: this civilization wasn’t just two turns ahead of its neighbors, it was eleven Ages ahead of the game itself, enthusiastically peddling a market for a resource no one had invented, requested, or understood. This civilization collapsed due to Commercial Overreach - the belief that every interaction could be monetized and every outcome optimized ahead of time. This architecture was unmistakable. Jon P The Lord of the Meter.

Exhibit #6

• Surfer Infrastructure: Public spaces featured hammocks, shaded seating, and windbreaks. Signage encouraged patience, calm, and “letting things play out.”
• Hawaiian Pattern Motifs: Official banners, civic robes, and ceremonial garments featured brightly patterned textiles inconsistent with the surrounding era. The civilization appeared aggressively relaxed.
• Chronological Drift: Timekeeping devices showed inconsistent advancement. Clocks appeared to slow near civic centers and stop entirely near planning offices.
• A Final Note: A single inscription was found in multiple locations that sighed: “Plenty of time.”

Conclusion: The evidence was overwhelming in its calmness. This civilization did not fall to war, famine, or miscalculation. It simply never felt the need to continue. Everything was comfortable. Everything was insured. The present was working fine, the future was acknowledged politely, and then indefinitely postponed. Time itself appeared to slow out of respect. This civilization collapsed due to Age Blindness - the belief that early hammock installation, proper coverage, and a relaxed attitude could indefinitely substitute for progress. History advanced while the vibe chilled. Nothing appeared wrong. The absence of urgency narrowed the suspect list to one. Jeff The Sylvan Surfer.
----
📁⚖️ CASE CLOSED (MOSTLY) ⚖️📁

With the exhibits catalogued and the causes identified, the final question remained: where had the players gone? Brad was discovered passed out under the patio umbrella at Taco Loft. Richard was found giving an overly enthusiastic historical tour at the replica of Fort Normandeau. Sasha was located peacefully napping beside a giant cinnamon-sugar donut at The Donut Mill. Cody had inexplicably taken over a table at The Centrium while imitating a registered vendor for Westerner Days. Jon P was earnestly attempting to sell everyone in the audience lifetime power-billing subscriptions inside the Scott Block Theatre. And Jeff, true to form, was found calmly reclining in a hammock at Gleniffer Lake.

With all parties located, accounted for, and apparently thriving in their preferred environments, the incident was officially resolved. No further investigation was deemed necessary. The civilizations were documented, the players were returned to the timeline, and the scene was cleared for reuse. Whatever lessons had been learned would almost certainly be ignored. The case was closed.

Game Night could resume.
----
🎲 WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW 🎲

🎉 New Players Welcome - Whether you’re a seasoned investigator or someone who just wandered into the crime scene with a coffee, all are welcome. No prior convictions required.
🎯 Game Selection - The investigation proceeds with a new scenario, selected by the group using time honored methods of impulse and misplaced confidence.
🎮 Got a Favorite Game? - Bring it. Present it like evidence. Be prepared to be cross examined, dusted for fingerprints, objected and overruled.
🎭 Dress Code - Casual. Investigative. Mildly suspicious. Bonus points for trench coats, clipboards, or looking like you’ve “seen things.”
🍇 Etiquette - Anyone caught adjusting evidence will be reclassified as “involved.”
⚠️ Warning - Side effects may include binge-watching Murdoch Mysteries, speaking exclusively in Columbo-style half-sentences and dressing increasingly like Angela Lansbury while denying any connection.
📜 Fun Fact - Seven Wonders is the only game where you can lose without ever feeling like you made a bad decision.
🧂 Table Talk - Table talk is allowed. Coaching witnesses is not. Formal accusations, closing arguments, and unsolicited alibis will be ignored.

— Your Underqualified Inspector of Ancient Disasters and Modern Tuesday Decisions

📜 SINCE OUR LAST MEETUP… 📜
⚡ John P insists the meters were installed “as a courtesy.”
🐫 Camel statues were erected in several cities shortly after trade collapsed.
🛋️ Jeff has filed an insurance claim against the concept of time.
☕ The Espresso Machine at Wizard’s Loft has achieved sentience, but refuses to comment.
🥖 Brad denies starvation was intentional but admits it was “efficient.”
🏟️ Seven Wonders was reportedly spotted opening the Super Bowl halftime show for Bad Bunny, Lady Gaga, and Ricky Martin, featuring synchronized card drafting, oversized military conflict tokens, and a Wonder completion that received more applause than the actual performers.