Coffee and Conversation: Conflict & Fighting Fair

### 2. Gottman Insights: What Conflict Reveals (10 mins)

Conflict is not a problem— it’s how we handle it that matters.
The Gottmans highlight two key principles:

• There are different types of conflict:
• Solvable problems can be resolved through compromise or discussion.
• Perpetual problems are based in personality or value differences—these aren’t "fixable," but they can be managed with care, curiosity, and respect.
• Couples also have different conflict styles:
• Avoiders: Downplay conflict, often pretend nothing is wrong.
• Validators: Seek calm, respectful compromise.
• Volatile: Passionate and expressive, with quick repair.
• Hostile: Criticism and contempt; often unhealthy and damaging.

***

### 3. Journaling: Conflict Style & Perpetual Issues (10 mins)

Reflect on the following in your journal:

• How was conflict handled in my family growing up?
• What kind of conflict style (avoidant, validating, volatile, etc.) do I think I have?
• What does “fighting fair” mean to me?
• What’s a topic that has been hard for me to talk about in past relationships without it becoming conflict?
• Have I ever faced the same argument over and over again? Was it a solvable or perpetual conflict?

***

### 4. Identifying Emotional Triggers (10 mins)

Gottman work on "regrettable incidents" highlights that most conflicts trigger core emotions.
Reflect or write about this prompt:

> “Think of a moment—past or recent—when a disagreement made you feel something deep and intense. Maybe you didn’t know how to say it at the time, but it left a mark.”

Choose one or more emotions below and journal about a moment where you felt this way:

• Judged
• Humiliated or disrespected
• Excluded
• Abandoned
• Powerless
• Alone
• Unsafe
• Out of control

Follow-up reflection:

• What was the need underneath that emotion?
• What could a partner have done differently to help you feel safe or understood?
• How might you express that need more clearly in the future?

***

### 5. Small Group Sharing (15 mins)

In groups of 2–3, invite participants to share a few reflections.
Bonus prompts:

• What’s something you’ve learned about your emotional triggers during conflict?
• What makes someone emotionally safe to have conflict with?
• What kind of conflict style do you want in a future partner?

***

### 6. Large Group Discussion (20–25 mins)

Open the floor for group discussion using a few of these questions:

• What kind of conflict style do you think you’ve had in the past—and do you want to keep it?
• What does “fighting fair” mean to you?
• What’s a difficult topic you’ve struggled to talk about in past relationships (e.g. parenting, money, social energy, etc.)?
• How do you typically respond when someone has very different views or needs than you?
• Do you tend to push for resolution, shut down, or avoid conflict altogether?
• What would it look like to stay open, even during disagreement?

***

### 7. Visualization & Closing Reflection (10 mins)

Guided Visualization (3–4 mins):

> “Picture yourself in a safe, emotionally secure relationship. You and your partner are in conflict, but your body feels calm. You know you won’t be attacked or dismissed.
> You speak—and they hear you. You take space if you need it. You both return, still committed to understanding. The disagreement doesn’t create distance—it actually deepens trust.
> What does that feel like in your body? In your home? In your relationship?”

Closing Prompts (5–6 mins):

• What’s one thing I want to practice differently the next time I face conflict?
• What’s one feeling or insight I’m walking away with from today’s conversation?

***

## Final Thought

> “It’s not about never fighting. It’s about how you come back together. The strongest relationships aren’t conflict-free—they’re repair-focused.”
> —Drs. John & Julie Gottman
> —Gottman Institute