addressalign-toparrow-leftarrow-rightbackbellblockcalendarcameraccwcheckchevron-downchevron-leftchevron-rightchevron-small-downchevron-small-leftchevron-small-rightchevron-small-upchevron-upcircle-with-checkcircle-with-crosscircle-with-pluscontroller-playcredit-cardcrossdots-three-verticaleditemptyheartexporteye-with-lineeyefacebookfolderfullheartglobe--smallglobegmailgooglegroupshelp-with-circleimageimagesinstagramFill 1launch-new-window--smalllight-bulblinklocation-pinm-swarmSearchmailmessagesminusmoremuplabelShape 3 + Rectangle 1ShapeoutlookpersonJoin Group on CardStartprice-ribbonprintShapeShapeShapeShapeImported LayersImported LayersImported Layersshieldstartickettrashtriangle-downtriangle-uptwitteruserwarningyahoo

Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Kids every other week...

Kids every other week...

A former member
Post #: 117
I third the vote Amy! Don't get locked into EVERY weekend. Carrie S in Sun Prairie has agreed to this in the temporary orders (I think), and it is turning into a nightmare for her. You should check with her maybe. . .
Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 8
I've seen a couple people offer up their parenting plan and/or separation agreement during this thread, and I'd like to take them up on the offer!
If you have one you are willing to share, can you send it to me? I'm happy to share my e-mail, but the system doesn't seem to like the idea...
Paula G.
user 12097140
Madison, WI
Post #: 2
It has been good to read this thread because I have been struggling a lot with my 6-year-old and 9-year-old dad NOT wanting to have the boys. Since my dad left when I was 3 and has had very little to do with me, I have big abandonment issues with dads.
I have been divorced 3 years. I moved out over 4 years ago and my youngest doesn't remember living at their dad's house. I have 100% placement and we have 50/50 custody. Their dad always said he "couldn't handle them" until they were 5 and 8 years old. Since 1 year ago (after they turned 5 and 8) and when their dad's girlfriend and her 14-year-old son moved in with him, he started having the boys over night at his house on Saturday nights. This is my break for the week and I try to squeeze in all of the work I need to get done and a little "me time." As a single mom, working full-time and trying to finish a Master's degree, it is crazy. A lot of days are about "surviving." I know that I am not always a good mom because of how much I am juggling.
Last May I decided that he needed to start paying child support because our divorce agreement stated that he pay me directly and he wasn't paying me. So I went through the process of going back to court (he didn't show up) and having a warrant issued for child support. He got pulled over in June for an expired license plate and he spent 1 night in jail because of the child support warrant. He has decided that he hates me and will not talk to me because I put him in jail. His family, who I rely on a lot to pick the kids up from school, are also mad at me. He tells the boys how much he hates me and often cuts me down to them. This weekend, he told his mom to tell me he is out of town and not taking the kids. It is really hard having the kids 100%, but I feel guilty when I complain about it because I am not a stay at home mom and I work till 5:30 pm every day. It hurts so much that he is not a part of their lives. I can see the affects on the boys. I can't make him want to spend time with them. He acts like he is a babysitter and that he is doing me a favor whenever he has to pick them up from school. I can't make him stop talking bad about me. I can take the high road and NOT talk bad about him, and I rarely talk bad about him to the kids.
I know that things will change when the boys get older because I won't have to rely on their dad and his family at all, but right now it has been exhausting and very painful.
A former member
Post #: 24
Paula, in the words of the famous philosopher Plato..

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!!

Your story reminds me a lot of my aunt and her dealings with my 2 cousins and their deadbeat dad. The only difference is that his family realized what a monumental jackass he was. At this point, they still talk to their dad but they are completely and fully aware of who played what role and how each one of them affected their life and upbringing. I am guessing that in the long run, things will play out the same way with you and your kids.

I'll tell you what every one has told me as I deal with my current situation.. Stay on the high road and it will pay off in the end. A lot of times my heart and emotions hate the fact that I'm the one who has to take the high road and wish I didn't have to but in the end, my mind says that it's the right thing to do. I do have to chant a little mantra every five minutes but I guess that's just the way life goes.
A former member
Post #: 63
Paula, you hold the reins in this situation. You might consider going back to court and suing for 100% custody. Don't talk to him about it first. Just document his bad-mouthing you and argue that your kids' hearing such things is bad for their development and their relationship with you, and teaches them the wrong thing about men. I'm surprised to find myself recommending completely removing them from contact with their father, but it may be the best thing for them.

As for having the kids 100% time, I can well imagine it's hard. You might consider yourself a widow, which in the circumstances might be better. How would it be if the father weren't in the picture at all? What kind of support system would you have to create? That seems to be a more worthwhile task than trying to teach a monkey to read.

Good luck.
Paula G.
user 12097140
Madison, WI
Post #: 3
Jose and Dave:
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! It is so awesome to see dads who are there for their children and put their children first, no matter how hard it is. i know that I could get 100% custody, but I would lose all support from him and his family, and I don't have enough of a network of friends or finances to cover childcare. I know that soon they will be old enough to be on their own more and that things will change. My oldest has strep right now so this week has added more challenges than usual!

I do worry about their development and what they are learning from their dad. I have been working with therapists for awhile and we are always questioning what is best for the boys. My 6-year-old never wants to go to his dad's and protests every week. My dream is to some day not have to rely on him or his family for anything, but for now, I need the help so that I can take care of myself in order to be a good mom.

I like your idea, Dave, of considering myself a widow. My friends used to tell me to pretend that the boys' dad was a rock so I wouldn't have any expectations. As a parent, I don't understand how their dad could stand to barely see them. But then again, I never understood why my own father has never known me and barely communicates with me. The boys' dads' mom says that he has a hard time being with the boys because of his hard feelings toward me. I told her it was an excuse and that he shouldn't blame me for his inability to have a relationship or help out with his boys.

Ok--I need to chill.... Thanks, Jose, for the reminders of taking the high road. It will truly benefit both of us and our kids!!

Paula

Powered by mvnForum

People in this
Meetup are also in:

Sign up

Meetup members, Log in

By clicking "Sign up" or "Sign up using Facebook", you confirm that you accept our Terms of Service & Privacy Policy