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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › The Man Thread

The Man Thread

A former member
Post #: 7
Yes Lynne....theres a little bit of everything out there and trying to find that diamond in the rough has proven to be very tricky. I do have some good stories both ways also, but have decided its just not for me.
A former member
Post #: 38
OK, I am all caught up on this post and anything I had to say has already been said, so good job! I do have a lot of online dating stories (some that some of you have been sucked into!), but those stories are great for meetups - too much for online (plus kind of weird to post it).
A former member
Post #: 54
Something has been missing from this thread over the past few days. I'm not going to say what's been missing, but lets just say you all need some of "the counselor". I have a lot to say and little time, so I will be to the point.

@ "Two Cool Brad's" Heck yeah the group can handle it. I've met you both now, and I can say we are in more need of the same. Now we may have to come up with some clever nicknames for you both so we can know who we are talking about. I mean, how many Laura's are we going to have to put up with?

@ On-line dating - grrrrrr many of you know my stance on this... I will NOT do it. I'd rather be alone then be thrown into some vampire den. Or find someone doesn't have all their teeth. To me on-line dating seems easy, desperate. I learned from my Divorce that good quality relationships require WORK (and even if you put in the work - it may not be returned, and fail anyway). I know there are success stories with On-line dating, but there are probably more failures then successes. Bump N or whatever site are just loaded with freaks and geeks. It's probably the first web site ex cons join because we all know they don't tell the truth EVER. Also it is so much easier to speak when there is a computer screen in front of you rather than a real person. I've been burnt and get burnt by that ALL the time..... because I'm stupid to believe that people are sincere when they speak over the computer. I'm stupid to believe that I know what expression they are really making with they ;) or :) or whatever emotioncon you like. On-line dating is a means to an end.... not an end to some means. What does that mean? It means it's just another way to throw yourself out there. If you can handle the rejection (which many SP/DA'ers probably can't) then go for it... but don't go looking for your Partner until you've actually gotten to know someone in person.

@ Regular Man-Threader MEN. I'm proposing a Man-up. Not a meetup... a Man-up. Just some dudes, some beers or Sodas (none of this wine or water stuff), and some back-handed, not necessarily PC comments from a peanut gallery, surrounded by sporting events, and grotesque amounts of red meat. There has already been way too much womanly input on this thread (we all love it, really we do - so keep it up), but I know that some people just want to really let it rip but are afraid to hurt the delicate flowers that surround us all. I am really busy the next few weeks, but I will start putting some things into motion. If you want in for sure, or if you have some suggestions... bring them on. On a side note.. my men's group through church.... one of the best things I've ever done. I don't want this to be churchy...but I think a group of guys getting together is very therapeutic, and alot of SP/DAers could really use some real-life hard knocks discussions that can't be put on message boards.
A former member
Post #: 55
@ Cool Brad #1. Remember how nervous you were about starting the "man thread"??? I think you need to interject your ideas much more often. It's clearly a great success. I can't believe the women haven't stolen your idea yet!!! And now that I've pointed that out... once they do start the "Chicken coup" message board we can be all over it.
user 6540411
Madison, WI
Post #: 111
Wow, Scot, where've you been??? We've really missed you...
user 6540411
Madison, WI
Post #: 114
Ok,guys (and gals), listen up. I'm all for freedom of speech and giving folks the right to express their opinions, etc. And I get that guys want to thump their chests in The Man Thread, and burp and talk cars and sports and all of that other "manly" (cough) stuff guys do. And believe you me, I can curse like a sailor with the best of them and handle just about anything you might throw my way (those wishing to test that, be my guest, although if you dish it out, be prepared to get it right back). And yes, I do have a pretty good sense of humor. I get it.

However, when I start to get complaints from other members that comments are inappropriate, it's time to exercise my right as organizer to edit/remove the offensive comments and remind everyone that comments posted to The Man Thread needs to stay respectful...or it will be shut down.

Any thoughts and/or feedback is welcome, but I would ask you contact me individually. Thanks.
A former member
Post #: 57
Hope everyone is prepared for the silence. You all know where to find me.. expecially on E/O Friday.
A former member
Post #: 42
oh, and I am looking forward to the silence.
A former member
Post #: 77
My question is this: Is it ok to date more than one person at a time if you are not sleeping with them? Or does that make you a player too?

Not that I’m asking for any particular reason :)

This is of course individual. I'm a very very open person. Too open for some people. And yet people who I connect with really attach themselves to me because there is an intimacy is being open. I have found in dating that there are some people who do not want to be open, that they prefer there to be a game of sorts. I would let their filters be my filters. Being open doesn't mean that you're going to fall totally in love and rush things. It means that you say what you're feeling, you get things on the table, and you bring up things that are on your mind. When you share yourself, it usually leads to the person you're with letting their walls down and feel comfortable sharing a piece of themselves. So that's why this might lead to a relationship speeding up because it certainly is a form of intimacy, but intimacy is what most people look for from dating.

I started with that because I believe in talking about these things with the people you date. If you're only interested in a casual relationship and you continue to date someone, I do feel that you have a responsibility to them to let them know where you are at. Empathy is very important in any relationship. When you go out, you should be looking for an authentic connection. You can't do that if you withhold, especially if there are expectations.

So why a player might be someone who dates a number of other people, he/she can also be someone who allows women (or men) to believe something in order to get what they want from the relationship, with no concern of what the other person might be expecting or looking for from the relationship. If you're just looking to have fun but you continue to date someone who is looking for a real connection, you're stringing them along if you're not communicating your intentions. Withholding what you know is presumed otherwise, is manipulative. It's lying by omission.

The bottom line is that we can't expect anything more from the world than what we are willing to give. Yes, the world is going to hurt us and disappoint us sometimes. But if we let it change us, then we can never have what we want to believe is real. And if it's real in you, then you know it's real in the world. And if you drop it, you lose the inner power of love and compassion, if you let it harden you, if you let yourself become course and put up walls, if you start compromising your values, then how do you trust anyone? If you can just pick up and drop your values when they're convenient for you, then why would anyone else be dependable? Don't get me wrong, we all find ourselves straying off the right course at times. But we hold ourselves accountable. If you want to find love, now or in the future, then we have to practice love and empathy for others, even the people we aren't as interested in, compassion, and integrity, is necessary to find real and lasting love. And if you're playing the field you may think, "I'm not looking for love". But love isn't something you save for only the perfect people. Our repressed definitions of it might lead us to believe it. Love is the way we live and interact. It begins and ends with a love of self and there is a sense of honor, dignity, and pride in being the kind of man who has an open heart to his family, friends, neighbors and stretching outwards, and who practices reverence and concern of the feelings and needs of the people he associates with.

That of course can apply to women as well. And I would not personally get into a serious relationship with someone who didn't feel the same way.
user 6540411
Madison, WI
Post #: 117
Very well said, Todd. I particularly liked what you said about sharing yourself and that leading to the person you're with letting their walls down. As I've gained experience (notice I did not say "as I've gotten older"!) I've try to open up more, to put myself out there more, emotionally speaking. It seems harder than it used to be! And it also seems it can result in being hurt more easily. But I'd rather be open and honest. However, it's a quid pro quo to some extent, and I find myself feeling disappointed sometimes when others are not open and honest in return.
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