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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › The big O after the big D

The big O after the big D

Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 13
OC, I'm not sure if that is a promise of an interesting conversation, a come-on, or both! :) Nicely put, and I'll look forward to talking with you when I can get to a meetup.
Jose
JoseNieves
Madison, WI
Post #: 29
The only thing I would add to this, and it's something from MY own point of view and I think somewhat related to what Cal brought up in the first place, is to ask yourself whether your partner feels the same way you do about the state of the relationship.

My STB and I were together for 16 years. According to her, she realized the relationship was "dead" some time ago (depends on what day you ask her it could be 2 years ago, 1 year ago or 10 months ago) and hence saw herself as a "single" woman. The only problem is that she brought this up with me about 4 months ago, after her 5th "friend" (they go all the way from guys she had very explicit sexual conversations to a man she hooked up with at an out-of-town conference to a man she has "connected with emotionally and loves" and will regard as a "life-long friend"). According to her, the relationship ended a long time ago and it ran it's course. According to me, she has been unfaithful and dishonest and deserves to deal with all the consequences that come with her actions (lack of civility and trust on my part, the feelings that my family and friends have for her, etc)

For the record, the couples therapist we saw told her as much.. He said that he understood why she felt the way she did but that she needed to realize that her dishonesty and unfaithfulness were not just figments of my imagination but facts that carried consequences.

Sooooo.. Do you both feel that the marriage is dead and hence you are free to meet other people or is it just you?
Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 15
Jose,
This is so true. Just because I knew more than 3 years ago that I no longer loved my husband, he didn't. I've been very careful not to cheat (he doesn't believe me, but that is another story) in the interim, though I've been very tempted at times. I go to conferences for work regularly, and that is no reason for a hook-up, even when you are tempted, if you know you haven't been honest with your partner yet.
That said, now I have told him I want a divorce, we have separate checking accounts, and he is planning to move out now that the house in Colorado is sold (Tonight!! So excited!). He has proposed parenting schedules. Now, I don't think it is going to be cheating anymore. We have both made positive steps toward the divorce (positive meaning real, as opposed to inertia). So we both know the score.

What is your perspective? I haven't actually had a date yet, so tell me now!
Jose
JoseNieves
Madison, WI
Post #: 30
Talk. Communicate. Understand.

Sounds easy but it's sometimes not as simple as that. Especially if he is of the mind that you've had indiscretions in the past. Let him know what the truth is about this and tell him that you are thinking about going out on dates. I've told my wife that her actions, comments and attitude have completely shattered the honesty, truth and respect that we had built over 16 years. Hence the reason why, outside of matters related to the children, I've told her that she needs to speak to my attorney about EVERYTHING related to the divorce.

Everyone deserves a big O after the big D. It's how you go about achieving this that can set the stage for a bitter separation (like mine) or something with civility.
Laura
user 6540411
Group Organizer
Madison, WI
Post #: 178
Jose, I'm afraid I must disagree with you. If a couple is truly on the road to divorce (i.e. living separately and finalizing the details), I see nothing to be accomplished by talking about one's plans to date. Seems to me it just piles more hurt on to an already highly emotional situation.

Although I do not see dating while a divorce is in progress as cheating or being unfaithful, I completely agree with what Sylvia said about needing to take time to work through one's emotions and find a happier place with oneself first. Also, like Sylvia, I will not date anyone with a divorce in progress or less than a year out from it. A person just has too much to work through, whether, as others have said, you know it at the time or not. This is one reason I try to discourage dating within our group.

As to Amy's question of flings, I don't they all have to be bad. But honesty in those situations is critical. If not, there is a high likelihood of at least one party getting hurt in the vast majority of cases.
Optimistic C.
OptimisticChris
Madison, WI
Post #: 68
I agree with Laura. There is nothing to be gained by sharing your plans to date or seek a BIG O.
While two folks may have decided that their marriage has reached an end point, it can still be a very big "slap in the face" when one spouse starts dating before the other. I have heard this many times from members of the group. Many won't even attend a function where the ex will be with their new "bus driver of the night". It is just a difficult component of moving forward.

I would say to anyone... by all means go have your fling but keep it discrete - especially from your ex.

Another thought or reason...
If you are currently processing a divorce that is considered "amicable"... this type of circumstance can easily and quickly turn it into a hostile divorce. So while a BIG O can be fun/awesome/out of control/toe curling/etc... a hostile divorce is not fun!

Have fun at your next out of town conference Amy wink

OC
A former member
Post #: 31
Nothing constructive to add, just couldn't figure out what the "O" stood for???

... 'til now, thanks OC!

Amy
AmyRenewed
Madison, WI
Post #: 16
Thanks for the thought, OC, but the line of work I'm in is worse than a family. I am going out of town in February for a conference, and intending to have some fun, but it is meeting up with co-workers from former labs and catching up fun. With drinks and dancing, if I know the group, but no trysts.

We were planning on the "amicable" divorce, but it isn't likely. I've been trying very hard to not hurt him worse than the situation already has, and would absolutely try to avoid it in the future, but he isn't following the same rules. That is another post.

I agree that any "fling" would have to be an "eyes open" situation for both parties. I know I have stuff to deal with and getting romantically involved would just result in hurting someone. I just had to point out that any post asking about "the big "O"" was asking for advice beyond the romantic, and since I'm in those shoes, too...

I tend to point stuff like that out, even when I don't care one way or the other. It's the imp of the perverse, I guess.
A former member
Post #: 18
You guys have all been very insightful in your reflections and I have tried to remain out of the fray so that I could really hear what you're saying instead of thinking how I might respond. Lots of really good stuff. Of course my original intent was simply to rant about what I have chosen not to partake in myself. I'm not suggesting sainthood for me. I am simply still dealing with far to much hurt to let it spill over onto someone else's unsuspecting plate. I do look forward to that magic day when I suddenly realize that I'm healed enough to truly enjoy the thrill of another's laughter and not fall back into the past once again. I get feeling a little better and kaboom out of the blue comes the cannon shot to remind me that the pain is just resting for awhile to catch its breath and then mine is gone again. I wax a little morosely at times:) Nothing like a taste of bitter memory to get those creative juices flowing. I think I've read somewhere that the best novels are written during such winters of discontent. I really ought to start a blog so that those who want to could go there to read my meanderings and those who don't would be fine just not going there at all.... :} I love what you guys do for me. I read your thoughts and gain a lot of insight. I learn about things like what it will be like for me someday and how far I've come in the few months since my wife's infidelity. I actually start some days without thinking about her or him or... and instead find myself looking forward to the day, meeting new friends and becoming better friends to those who have never left me. I embrace all this pain.. because I don't ever want to allow myself to accept someone in my life who isn't able to walk beside me in life. Someone who can't appreciate the simple beauty of honesty and the satisfaction of sharing it with the one you, (I), love. That day is coming to my horizon and I want to be ready for it, not sitting in my shit with the wrong person asking myself what the hell I'm doing here again! Here's to us all, may we be there for each other and keep our eye on the prize!!!!
Laura
user 24195222
Madison, WI
Post #: 12
Cal - If I could press a "like" icon I would! smile
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