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Single Parents - Divorced Adults Group Message Board › Immoral? No, Just an innocent hookup

Immoral? No, Just an innocent hookup

Nancy F.
user 12988328
Madison, WI
Post #: 5
Those of you who know me will appreciate my attempt at humor with this matter of the heart. I am tempted to send over the Country CD "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," to my overly moral neighbor(s).

Here goes: I am distanced now from my Aunt and maybe others who I asked their advice on this intimate matter. I even gave my 28 year old son a briefing, so he could advise me on how to bridge the gap with my Aunt, cousin, and anyone else who "sides" with them vs. me.

I'm divorced. I had a brief relationship with a nice man. He pushed my buttons, but I enjoyed the superficial sparring we enjoyed. He was a good match for me and I didn't let him get away with much. He was afraid to open up, be emotionally closer. HOWEVER, when I asked him about using a condom, he said he never uses them (and he indignantly said so)..This is how I defend my position: (?and him?)
1) He told me he the first two weeks we were talking by phone and seeing each other, that he
had been to his medical providers, a NP at UW Health Clinics. He asked me (a nurse in my first career) about
prostate tests (TMI, but stay w/me). So I assumed his private areas where examined. He said he was
getting his annual checkup. I advised him to forego the flu shot, as we are not in the flu season. He
took my advice---he trusted me. And, I trusted him.
2) New to this intimate dating/romance scene. I liked that he was interested in my pleasure. (That's men in Midlife, according to Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD "Sex & Love at Midlife-It's Better than Ever") He had other partners, previous to me, BUT I believe he was seeing me exclusively, for that brief time.
3) I asked my aunt's advice on the condom issue----What was I thinking, but she told me I could talk with her about anything. Well, I think the carrier pigeons took off and the message is now headed for the international scene!
3)The Mayo newletter was resourced as THE AUTHORITY on herpes, and how you never get over it. I know that--- This was an extremist approach that gave me no credence in choosing a partner. I saw, felt, & observed in him NO signs of infection/NO S/O STIs, sexually transmitted infections---and I was 100% on the mark with detecting shingles in my recovering breast cancer coworker. My powers to assess, palpate, observe, and more are still accurate.
4)I doubt that any divorced singles are abstaining and waiting to get married again before being sexually active. Want to update yourself on what's going on sexually in high schools today? See the movie, "Election."
5)It is not immoral for divorced singles to be sexually active. It's not immoral to be sexually active in your own home with a partner, despite what the neighbors & others think. It's rather healthy to hold on to those powers of romance. I'm as ethical and moral as the next person. I control only what's in my yard.
6)Was "he" disrespecting me because he didn't use a condom? No, I don't think so. I truly think he hasn't used them because he hasn't had a partner who could show him how to incorporate that into his/our sexual play. Really. That, and practice makes perfect. It takes some dexterity and finesse to get it right.
7)Too bad for both of us. He got scared away with my persistence in safe sex until I could trust the relationship we had was monogamous. We didn't get to that base.
8)Google is great for "breakup movies" and self-care ideas for breakups. Life is good in Madison.

Thank you, Friends, for Lunch, Hugs, and No Secrets
Optimistic C.
Madison, WI
Post #: 109
Hey Nancy,

Next time you see your "friend"...
Ask him if he knows about the serial number printed at the base of every condom!

OC ;)
Mary A.
user 14361280
Madison, WI
Post #: 53
Good Morning!

Many, many of my girlfriends and even guy friends, have confided in me over the years, telling me their horror stories about now having an STD that never goes away. Here's the common "surprise" they all seem to have...

Their partner showed NO SIGNS of anything....

As I remind my kids quite often, there usually is not a single visible sign...but it doesn't mean that most people walking around don't have herpes or something. I believe someone told me once that over half the population has herpes, but doesn't even know it. They NEVER have any physical symptoms, yet they have it and pass it along, undetected.

I've also had people tell me something showed up with them, YEARS after having unprotected sex with the carrier.

I'm sure the stats are easy enough to find on the internet, but I'm positive myself, that not using a condom increases your odds of getting a permanent STD by about 75% (maybe the true number is even higher, given "hookups" seem to be the thing, these days)...even if you and your potential partner had blood tests before engaging, I don't know that it always shows up right away, either.

Guess it boils down to the risk you are willing to take and how that will make it difficult and awkward for you with future partners...let alone painful.

The thrill of it all might entice you right now, but like they teach in middle school health class, if someone respects you and REALLY wants to be with you, they'll use a's the only way to protect yourself. If it's a deal breaker, let them move on and give what they surely have to someone else. You'll feel better down the road not having those regrets.

Enjoy dating, but keep your standards high and the risks true to YOU!

Mary Anne : )
user 3945668
Madison, WI
Post #: 28
If nothing else, it does protect against unwanted pregnancies (for both). Break down of a marriage aside, kids do have a right to be born 'legit'. When life throws lemons one can choose to make lemonade and enjoy life none the less, but subjecting a child to a life of 'illegit' stigma, if not immoral, is certianly unfair to the child. Besides, these days condoms come in various types to enhance pleasure for both in various ways. One has to just shift the viewpoint a bit.

Like the moto 'Drink responsibily', it applies to innocent hook ups too..... 'Enjoy responsibily'! smile
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