On the next episode of Tux Tank!
[INT. STUDIO - A minimalist set adorned with circuit boards, penguin plushies, and an ominous hum of server racks.]
Narrator:
Tonight, on Tux Tank, hopeful open-source evangelist Clayton faces the ultimate challenge: convincing the three fearsome Tuxes: Bashford, Packagor, and Kernelina—to invest their reputations in... NixOS.
[Clayton strides in, wearing a hoodie covered in package hashes, carrying a laptop like a sacred relic.]
Clayton:
Hello, Tuxes. My name’s Clayton, and I’m here seeking one pull request for zero dollars in exchange for changing the way you think about Linux forever.
Bashford (deadpan):
That’s a bold version bump. Go on.
Clayton:
Imagine a world where system configuration is declarative, where builds are reproducible, and where rolling back your OS is as easy as nixos-rebuild switch --rollback.
Packagor (bristling):
Sounds like sorcery. Is it... free?
Clayton:
100% free, as in speech. And as in kittens.
Kernelina (skeptical):
But what about dependency hell? I collect dependency hells like rare Pokemon.
Clayton (grinning):
In Nix, every package lives in its own isolated hash-based store path. No conflicts. No DLL wars. It’s dependency heaven.
[The Tuxes exchange shocked glances. Bashford pushes his glasses up. Packagor strokes his beard in binary rhythm. Kernelina narrows her eyes.]
Bashford:
You’re telling me...
I could build a kernel from source...
...and never break my host system?
Clayton:
Exactly. One nix-shell and you’re in a perfectly reproducible build environment.
Packagor:
Hmm. But can it...
...emacs?
Clayton:
It can emacs twelve different versions of emacs at the same time.
[A dramatic chord strikes. The Tuxes lean forward as the lights dim.]
Kernelina:
If what you say is true... this could end the distro wars forever.
Clayton:
...And with NixOS, you can rebuild your entire system from a single configuration file. Fully declarative. Fully reproducible. Never fear “it worked on my machine” again.
[Silence. The Tuxes stare at him like he just proposed running Chrome as root.]
Bashford (dryly):
So... you’re saying I need to learn a whole new language to install a text editor.
Clayton:
Just a tiny bit of Nix expression syntax-
Packagor (interrupting):
That sounds dangerously close to YAML. I’ve seen things... things written in YAML.
Kernelina (suspicious):
And where’s /etc in all this? Or do you keep it locked in some magical snowflake store path?
Clayton (eager):
Exactly! The Nix store-
Bashford (snaps):
Stop. I don’t trust magic.
[The Tuxes lean back, folding their arms. The tension hums like a stuck fan.]
Packagor:
I smell... abstraction. Too much abstraction.
Kernelina:
And if the store gets corrupted? If the hashes rot?
Clayton:
There are atomic rollbacks-
Bashford:
Atomic is what happens to my patience when people overcomplicate Linux.
[A long, cold silence. Clayton’s smile twitches like a failing LED.]
Packagor (grim):
You’ve brought us reproducibility...
...but not simplicity.
Kernelina (icily):
I’m out.
Bashford (grinning slightly):
Same here. No deal.
[They turn away from him in perfect synchronization, like synchronized swimmers of disdain.]
[Clayton exhales shakily, gathers his laptop, and starts to walk off. The lights dim. Just as the exit door hisses open]
Narrator (dramatic):
...but then... a mysterious figure in a penguin cloak steps onto the stage.
Voice (off-screen):
Wait. I’ll fund this... on one condition.
[Cut to black.]
To find out what happens, tune in and find out at the next STL2600 meeting on October 3rd. Will Clayton finally convince all of use to switch to Nix? Or will Nix be nixed?
As usual, doors at 6:00 and talk 7:00. We'll do our best to broadcast it virtually as always. We’ll stream as per usual from:
https://meet.jit.si/STL2600Oct
