Day Hike to Hell... And Back!

Sinners and Saints alike put down your Bibles! It’s time for a Sunday hike to the depraved depths of Hell. Satan, Lucifer, Fallen Angel, or, that funny-looking geezer with really bad sunburn and oversized horns glued to his head, call him what you will but the Devil himself is hosting a meet-and-greet coffee morning, and the L.A. Hiking Group is invited. Don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet the Prince of Darkness and perhaps get in his good books before Judgment Day is thrust upon you. Along the way we may encounter blood-thirsty vampires, werewolves, flesh-eating zombies, horrendous-looking gargoyles, Donald Trump’s hairpiece, banshees, bats, demons, ravens, and a variety of hideous monsters.

Naughty girls should probably avoid this hike but all devil worshippers are welcome. If you enjoy the sensation of sizzling, red hot flames licking your private parts, then this is definitely the hike for you!

Hike Organizer: Saint Paul

Hike Location: Angeles National Forest, Hell

Distance: 8 miles

Elevation Gain: 157, 000 feet (loss)

Hike Classification: 6/10 (moderate)

Time: Eternity (sinners), 6 hours (saints)

INTRODUCTION: That wonderfully upbeat and cheerful, not to mention completely credible Book of Revelation has this to say about Hell: "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8). The rich vein of optimism continues with some Scottish bloke finding a mysterious trap door in his basement: "And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit" (Revelation 9:2).

“The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling Way down in the valley tonight

There's evil in the air and there's thunder in the sky
And a killer's on the bloodshot streets"

sang Meat Loaf, founder of the Los Angeles Hiking Group, and frequent visitor to Hell, in 1977.

 

 

 

 

 

HIKE DESCRIPTION: Whoremongers and bottomless pits aside, join me on a brisk day hike to the bowels of the earth. We will set out from Chantry Flat and follow the Winter Creek Trail to Mount Zion. After a quick prayer meeting and bible study at Mount Zion we pick-up the little-known Beelzebub Trail straight to the Gates of Hell (don't forget to bring your $5 entrance fee, Adventure Passes are not accepted) and on to the Eternal Fires of Damnation. After a short break here we continue thru Purgatory and on to the Malebolge. A hapless medieval Italian hiker stumbled on this place after taking a wrong turn at Sturtevant Falls, recording in his hiking journal that: "Many and varied sinners suffer eternally in the multi-leveled Malebolge, an amphitheatre-shaped pit of despair: Those guilty of fraudulence and malice; the seducers and pimps, who are whipped by horned demons; the hypocrites, who struggle to walk in lead-lined cloaks; the barraters, who are ducked in boiling pitch by demons known as the Malebranche. The simonists, wedged into stone holes, and whose feet are licked by flames, kick and writhe desperately. The magicians, diviners, fortune tellers, and panderers are all here, as are the thieves. Some wallow in human excrement. Serpents writhe and wrap around men, sometimes fusing into each other. Bodies are torn apart. When you arrive, you will want to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners here, who are afflicted with scabs like leprosy, and lay sick on the ground, furiously scratching their skin off with their nails (Dante’s Inferno). Doesn't sound like a very nice place, and I certainly wouldn’t fancy rolling around in my own poo, so if you suspect you might be a fraudster, seducer, pimp, magician, fortune-teller, panderer, thief, or, Heaven forbid, a whoremonger, you might want to turn back before this point. Saints and bible bashers should be ok though. From here it’s only a short distance to Satan’s place, the House of Eternal Damnation. Here we can spend a relaxing couple of hours sipping tea and chatting with Satan and his family. However, in case you are wondering "like a Bat Out of Hell we'll be gone when the morning comes." Or something like that.

 

 

 

Satan yesterday

 

 

 

 

WHAT TO BRING: Temperatures will be a bit on the warm side as we enter the Gates of Hell so a fire-retardant hiking suit is recommended. The swirling clouds of sulphur could also present a problem so bring a gas mask along for good measure. Bring all the silver bullets you can muster, and as many crucifixes and strings of garlic you can hang around your neck without cutting off the oxygen supply to your brain. And you will need at least 3 liters of Holy Water, snacks to munch along the way, and lunch. Satan will provide tea and crumpets, and a nice variety of cakes at our destination point.




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  • Berg

    Ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Paul, you're the best; you got me. Honestly; I was hoping to "Meetup" Luzbel and ask him to take back to HELL all the scamming deceivers on this planet. U know who U R Ha-ha-haaaaa!!!

    April 8, 2013

  • A former member
    A former member

    I had my AC/DC and everything ready to go too ...

    April 8, 2013

  • Juan L.

    Hey Paul I'm in hell ... Where is everybody ?

    April 7, 2013

    • Paul

      Juan Luis, did you not get the email, or read my last comment?

      April 7, 2013

    • Juan L.

      I'm ffff with you ... We are even. See ya on the next one.

      April 8, 2013

  • Paul

    Hi All,
    I'm sure you all have realized this already but this was my April Fool's hike for 2013 and no hike will actually be taking place on Sunday morning. If I hadn't pulled a muscle in my lower back a couple of days ago I may have done a short hike to Sturtevant Falls but even that is out of the question right now. Thanks for your interest and I hope to see you all on the trails soon. Saint Paul.

    1 · April 6, 2013

    • olivia c.

      Yes I new it! that's why I say I was going. I don't hike on Sunday. Sunday is the Lord's Day!!!!!

      1 · April 6, 2013

  • Henry K.

    not to sound like a newbie but are we meeting here for the hike ?214 N Santa Anita Ave, Arcadia, CA

    April 5, 2013

  • A former member
    A former member

    This sounds wicked, Paul. But you know you can always choose the light. Over and over.

    April 5, 2013

    • Paul

      Hi Mylene, I generally tend to choose the light. It helps me avoid walking into walls, doors, and things like that...

      April 5, 2013

  • Susan

    Lee: Please translate 'randonnee?'

    Or did you just make this up like 'randonnee' in English
    and run it through Google Translator?

    April 4, 2013

    • Lee Z.

      I never use Google....I used Bing

      April 5, 2013

    • Rimona

      Susan, the French word "randonnee" means a hike in English!

      April 5, 2013

  • Larry T

    You guys keep this up and you won't need to hike in. The earth is gonna open up and swallow y'all.

    April 5, 2013

  • Lee Z.

    I didn't know that Meat Loaf was the founder of Los Angeles Hiking Group.....wow...you learn something new everyday !

    1 · April 5, 2013

  • Lee Z.

    Ce sera probablement les dernier randonnée Pauls

    April 4, 2013

  • cathy

    Paul. It should be me and plus 3 (Diane, Madison, and maybe Matt).

    April 4, 2013

    • Paul

      The more the merrier, Cathy.

      April 4, 2013

  • Lee Z.

    By the way.....you say "To Hell And Back"....are you certain that ya'll will be coming back????

    April 4, 2013

    • Paul

      I can't make any promises, you must be honest with yourself and judge your own level of depravity!

      April 4, 2013

  • Lee Z.

    Paul...I like your style. This is a side of you I have never seen. You must be friends with Lucifer for him to get up close and personal like this. I would go....ceptin for it is my Mom's B-day and I will be visiting her (93rd)

    April 4, 2013

    • Paul

      Shame you won't be able to hike with me on Sunday, I was hoping you would be sweep and also help keep the bats from flying into Mr. Deed's hair! If there is a Hell, I'll be going there anyway on a one-way ticket!

      April 4, 2013

  • Rimona

    Paul you truly scared me and I'm bailing out! No, seriously, I totally forgot it's my friend's mother 90th birthday. I can't do hell and back and go see that sweet angel of hers!

    1 · April 2, 2013

    • Berg

      Wow, aggressive; I like that! No Rimona, we're not making fun of you; we're having fun with you. ;-)

      April 4, 2013

    • Berg

      ...Je vous souhaite une merveilleuse journée!

      April 4, 2013

  • Berg

    Meeen, I just realize you're hiking with a whole buquet. Have fun Paul and please bring the siners back!!!
    ;-)

    April 3, 2013

  • A former member
    A former member

    this is what i like ... Im all teary eyed cause I cant go !

    April 1, 2013

    • A former member
      A former member

      OOhhhh yeah ! This ROCKS !

      1 · April 1, 2013

    • Paul

      Mr. Deeds, I was hoping you would come so you could watch over the Gals (on the Go)!

      1 · April 3, 2013

  • Berg

    Darn, this looks like an very interesting hike and a exellent opportunity to talk to Luzbel, unfortunately (well, for this event) I'm going desert camping this weekend. Hey Paul, how often do you organize this hike?

    April 2, 2013

    • Paul

      Berg, this a once in a lifetime hike!

      April 2, 2013

    • Berg

      Well, I'll be patience and wait for other portal to open, meanwhile I will decend to the catacombs darkness and rest. ...ahhhhhh!

      April 3, 2013

  • Rimona

    I don't remember exactly how to get there. Do you have a specific address??? This map leads to the Arcadia REI ??

    April 1, 2013

    • Rimona

      Very funny! No I don't....LOL

      April 2, 2013

    • Berg

      Hahaha, that was funny; but at the same time not nice. :-) ...lol! Two thumbs up, Paul.

      April 2, 2013

  • richard m.

    I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the Comedy Club

    1 · April 2, 2013

  • Juan L.

    No shit ... Lol

    April 1, 2013

  • Yolie

    Too scary!

    April 1, 2013

  • Rob

    I hate to miss this one

    April 1, 2013

  • DIRK

    8:30am is hell enough to keep me at bay.

    April 1, 2013

  • Jessica

    OK--April Fool, right?

    April 1, 2013

    • Paul

      Jessica, no April Fool. Are you in?

      April 1, 2013

  • Jay H L.

    Paul, is it a fairy tale just like the imaginary and ghost story?

    April 1, 2013

    • Paul

      Jay, if you are talking about the Bible, then, yes, it's a fairy story!

      2 · April 1, 2013

  • Rimona

    Hey Paul, is this as bad as you say it is???

    April 1, 2013

    • Paul

      Rimona, it's worse! Certainly no place for naughty French girls like you!

      April 1, 2013

  • olivia c.

    Jesus is my guest!!!!!

    1 · April 1, 2013

    • Paul

      Gladys, I'm sorry but you won't be able to take Jesus. Last time he was there he was caught in a compromising sexual situation with a gargoyle so he has been barred from Hell!

      April 1, 2013

  • A former member
    A former member

    April Fool's!

    April 1, 2013

  • Rashida likes p.

    I'm almost certain Hell won't look as beautiful as Chantry Flat! ;-)

    April 1, 2013

  • Sean

    Was willing to sign up for this until I read "Naughty girls should probably avoid this hike..."
    How dare you discourage my fun. how dare you.

    4 · April 1, 2013

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