Conflict Resolution Part 3 & Special Events

From: Janardhan
Sent on: Thursday, April 18, 2013 9:15 PM
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There are some fabulous events coming up in the Bay Area over next 10 days that I want you to know about.

Sat., Apr 20th 10am - Circle of Wise Women on healing relationships

Sat., Apr 20th 2pm - Men's Wisdom Circle with Director Frederick Marx
Tue., Apr 30th 7pm - Wisdom 2.0 Women Gathering

Enjoy below the third in a series of five great insights on conflict resolution!

Peace & deLight,

Are YOU in Conflict with Anyone?

Part 3

Being in conflict with someone, somewhere at sometime seems to be an inevitable and perhaps frequent event during the course of all our lives.  Mostly they don't last long...the conflicts that is!!  They blow over, either by talking things through or the issue, which tends to be fixed, just loses it's significance against the bigger picture which is always moving and changing.  But sometimes a conflicted relationship gets stuck and even escalates.  Sometimes they seem to last for years.  Some people even manage to string it out over their entire life!  It's then that our ignorance of the dynamics of conflict is not only obvious, it becomes a huge obstacle to it's passing. The basic ingredients of all conflicts are the same regardless the issues at stake, the characters taking part or the history of the relationship. 
Continuing with the series, here is the third 'insight' about conflict and its application, which may help you walk your own path to liberation from all conflict everywhere and for all time!
INSIGHT 3 - You cannot make anyone do or be anything because you cannot control another human being

APPLICATION - The Shift from Control to Influence

In any conflict situation we are essentially giving our power to the other. We are disempowering our self.  In seeking the root cause of how and why we disempower our self so frequently in this way, we arrive once again at our belief system/s.  Everyone has assimilated a number of beliefs through childhood, education and cultural influences.  One of the most pervasive of these beliefs is around the issue of 'control'.  Almost every time we feel stressed or feel powerless or feel like a victim, it's because we are not able to do what we subconsciously believe we can and should be doing, which is to control others.

Most of us will have assimilated this particular belief that we can control what we cannot control as we watched our parents becoming upset and blaming others because those 'others' were not doing what our parents wanted.  We also learned to believe that we were being controlled by our parents, so we expect to grow up and join the 'controllers club', whose primary expectation in life becomes 'the world should and will dance to MY tune'.  Hand in hand with this belief is the idea (another belief) at a slightly deeper level, that others are responsible for our happiness.  

This is obviously not true and it's easy to prove it's not true when we watch two people responding to the same event, perhaps a competitive sport, or the movement of the stock market.  One is celebrating and the other is upset and miserable.

However we can influence others.  If you are a parent, a manager or anyone dealing with people as part of your role it is your job to 'influence'.  But the most frequent mistake we make is we try to control.   The sign that we are trying to control another is we become emotionally upset/disturbed when they do not do or be what we want.

So is it possible to stop wanting something from the other, to stop believing they are responsible for our happiness, to stop trying to make the other behave a certain way, to stop expecting the other to be or do or say what we want?  Is it possible to only want the best for the other?  If we do, it completely changes the dynamic of the relationship.  When we do we have made the shift from control to influence.

Next 'insight' next week!
©  Mike George 2013
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Om shanti!

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