It's my birthday this month, and I'm turning 36, meaning I'm on the wrong side of my thirties.
Given some of what's happened this year, and my general ontological contemplation during this time, I have found myself in pensive thought on the video game series Max Payne, particularly the final one Max Payne 3.
I know that this is a film club, and I'm about to go into granular giga-autistic detail about a videogame, however there is an important point I wish to make; so please bear with me.
I generally don't play videogames, I know others that design them, and I've tried my hand at it myself (a story for another time).
Having said that after replacing my potato laptop with a $5000.00 top of the line razer (for work/study) a few years back, I felt it would be sacrilegious not to play some new triple AAA videogames.
Now that I've had the opportunity to play a few recent games, I've found as a medium videogames are both the most technically complex to design, and if done correctly also the most immersive form of media, in that one has some agency in terms of how the narrative plays out.
This in turn allows one some level of contemplation on their own actions within the context of the game, but like any form of quality artform, perhaps also some introspective insight.
To this point I think the Max Payne series illustrates what I mean, in the first Max Payne you play as the titular character, who as a result of his family being murdered goes undercover to try and find who is responsible.
The neo-noir story was well done for a videogame, but outside of the medium was kinda generic. The most unique, and ground breaking aspect about this game, was the "bullet time" mechanic.
This was the first time this was ever attempted in a game, and it was revolutionary, the character was able to nose dive while firing at enemies in slow motion, and likewise dive backwards, quickly springing back up from the ground to continue a firefight.
This mechanic led to some incredibly kinetic action sequences, and it was just a fantastic action shooter.
Max Payne 2 continued the same storyline, and intense action, but had better graphics. And by the end of the game, I think everyone was content with the apparent coda on the narrative.
Fast forward to the announcement of "Max Payne 3", which featured a much older, weathered, fatter, balder Max Payne, in a completely different setting, and the fan base was pissed, this wasn't the character that they knew, and loved.
Once I got a chance to play the newest entry into the series, it wasn't the action aspects of the game that I found interesting, the bullet time mechanic was still there, and it was still crazy cool, and fun.
The thing about the game I found most interesting this time around was the character movement, he's much older. Max can still nosedive forwards, and backwards in slow motion, but you can see his face wince in pain as he hits the ground, he isn't as spry getting up, and the character has a harder time recovering after overexerting themselves.
It's interesting to play as a character in one of the premier franchises of the action genre, which are often designed to be a kind of power fantasy, subvert that expectation by making the character weaker.
You're playing as a more cynical, older, tired, rougher looking version of Max, with a substance abuse problem. Things haven't gotten better, they've gotten worse, and as you play through the game, there is an impression that this is the last time you'll be able to play as the character.
As a meditation on aging, and finding purpose, the franchise, but especially the final game in the series is fantastic, and really resonated with me.
This year I had a severe panic attack that put me into a tonic-clonic seizure, I ended writhing on the ground gasping for air like a 5 foot something retarded fucking guppy; thinking I was going to die from a hellish heart attack/stroke hybrid. An ambulance needed to get called, in short the circus came to pick up this clown.
It's been a result of going too hard, too long, I used to be able to do doubles everyday, then study, clean, cook, and have a social life all in tandem.
Now, if I drink too much my mornings hurt, if I work too much my body hurts, if I see an infringement of civil liberties my heart hurts.
The point is I'm getting older, and things are starting to hurt.
Since the seizure incident my life turned into a living hell, I feel I may have suffered some neurological damage, and it created a feedback loop that initially felt like it could cause another one. Fortunately I do feel like I am slowly recovering from this incident, and eventually I will get back to 100%
This circumstance has made me reevaluate my priorities, I am aging, and while I feel I still have some years of good physical health left, I am in the Twilight of those years.
I'm miserable here, without getting too deep into why, it's basically cultural, and financial reasons. The frightening part is I don't think Victoria is the worst part of the country, I actually think this is the best city in Canada period, it's where the winners live, so where else could I move in this country that isn't a downgrade?
That said is Victoria the best place for me? I don't think so. I have definitely made some mistakes, but I've mercifully also worked hard enough, that I have a university education, plus several desirable qualifications under my belt with no debt, certain resources, and skills that would allow me to pivot elsewhere.
I may have burnt the candle at both ends, but I'm glad I did while I could, both because it gives me confidence in that I can work through difficult situations, and also because I have options now.
I think aside from the COVID mandates, and the hellish "tappet fascism" I was forced to endure, the reason why I stayed here so long was because of commitments I made to others, and the relationships I had with friends here.
Now a lot of my old friends have left, in some unfortunate instances it's been a result of being priced out, and in other more positive instances it's been a result of seeking out better opportunities elsewhere.
Off the top of my head these are some people I used to know that have bounced:
- Bobby
- Kurt (RIP)
- Kale
- The JG
- Pygmy
- Sluttering S
- The bad JP
That's a lot of people, and with regards to my friends still here, a lot of them are also considering leaving, or are paradoxically settling down.
I've been involved in the most dangerous industry in the country for almost a decade, it was cool, I liked working outside, staying in shape, seeing the island, and getting an opportunity to work in a unique trade few people get to experience... That said, I also feel like my time, labour, and life should be in service to a purpose greater than ensuring rich Asians can gorge themselves on shellfish.
What I want to do is generally seen as an option for those without options. Which is why it was important for me to wait, and have other options available to me to determine if it's something I genuinely want to pursue, now with the knowledge that I CAN do something else, I also know I want to do this.
So I've been actively working towards making this happen, I need to raise some money, and tie up some loose ends, I have applied for my passport, and am planning on leaving this time next year, if not sooner.
I don't want this to be overtly negative, so before then, I want to reconnect, hold more sex cults, and do fun stuff with those I care about still here, one last rodeo, starting with my birthday.
Film is it's All Gone Pete Tong, it's a banger, Jeremy is hosting so bring barbecue stuff, beer, and a good attitude.
