The past year has been a lot to handle. Between the stress and isolation, our relationships with friends, colleagues, families, and others have suffered in so many ways. The attention and care we’ve given to ourselves have fallen by the wayside as well. If you’ve been struggling with loneliness or burnout, this event will help you get back on track.
Rachel Wilkerson Miller, is a queer Black writer, deputy editor at VICE, and author of The Art of Showing Up. Watch her for a conversation on how to set better boundaries to protect your time and energy and how to start making new friends as you begin to gather in person again. Rachel will also share advice on how to repair those relationships that matter most, even if they hit a temporary pause during the pandemic.
The Art of Showing Up hit bookstores at the same time lockdown hit, and Rachel’s advice has never been more relevant. Part manifesto, part guide, this book will teach you how to show up for the people that really matter—and how that starts by showing up for yourself.
Main Takeaways:
- “Showing up” is about bearing witness to experiences, whether they’re your own or other people’s and then responding accordingly, but in the book I define it in four distinct parts:
- Noticing
- Processing
- Naming (which can be as simple as just saying like, wow, I feel really tired or I think I get tired after I drink)
- Responding
- Figure out what you need from somebody and then ask for it and give them the opportunity to give it to you because most people do want to help, they want to be a good person to you.
- It can be helpful to start really small with things that aren’t as important and it doesn’t have to be setting a firm boundary. Like, If you are visiting with somebody and you’re really cold you could just say, “Hey, I’m really cold could we shut the window or turn the fan off?” That’s a really low-stakes thing that a lot of people don’t even feel comfortable doing.
Top Q&A Questions:
- What if you ask for what you need from your friends and they apologize and want to change, but then they just don’t? When do you give up?
- Give them as many chances as you can afford to give.
It is helpful to say, “can I make this easier for you somehow?” I think that helps them think through why it is that they keep doing this but I also think it’s reasonable to say, “this is making me not want to hang out with you anymore.”
Depending on the situation you might just have to walk away from it. You can decide if you need to have a conversation about it. I tend to lean toward being honest about it.
- Give them as many chances as you can afford to give.
- How do you suggest somebody reactivate themselves into socializing with their friends after
feeling symptoms of social anxiety because of the new work-from-home life?
- I relate to this so much. I’ve had social anxiety for much of my life and I’m definitely feeling that but the thing that’s been really helpful for me is to under promise and over deliver – so I’m not making a lot of plans to start with and I’m really starting with the people who I feel the most comfortable with. If there’s people who you can start with who you feel more comfortable with, whether that’s a family member or whoever it might be, start there and give yourself permission to not be very good at it at first, but I think it will come back to us I think will be easier than we think it will.
- How do you show up for your friend when you’re not feeling well about yourself?
- I think that just admitting that that’s what’s going on with you, is really major. To say to yourself, “oh man, I feel really jealous of this good news that my friend had” because I think there’s a lot of shame and those feelings.
If you’re really close with this person, or they’re noticing something is different, it might be worth saying to them, “I’m super happy for you about your news, I admit that I’m feeling a little envious” or, you know, “If I’m not showing it as much as I’d like to it’s because of some of the stuff that’s going on with me and has nothing to do with you.”
- I think that just admitting that that’s what’s going on with you, is really major. To say to yourself, “oh man, I feel really jealous of this good news that my friend had” because I think there’s a lot of shame and those feelings.
Last modified on April 30, 2021
