Drawn to the “Wrong” Partners: Insights from Terry Real and Harville Hendrix

Attraction is a complex phenomenon influenced by many factors, as is the ultimate choice of a partner. Our brains are wired to seek out partners who can offer the best potential for survival and reproduction, but this primal instinct is impacted by unconscious psychological factors more so than we would probably like to recognize.

Since Freud’s notion of the “repetition compulsion,” it is likely that one’s relationship partner has been unconsciously selected to work out something from the past that has not yet been resolved. Unfortunately, this process usually results in having relationships which are high in conflict as the hopes and expectations one has in one’s partner are profoundly disappointed.

However, two modern relationship theorists, Terry Real and Harville Hendrix, argue that the unconscious factors looming over our choice of a partner are not necessarily dysfunctional or unhealthy. In fact, each suggests, from their own vantage point and perspective, that Freud’s repetition compulsion captures the reality of coupledom and highlights the dynamics that are ultimately necessary for closeness, intimacy, and growth. Real argues that we “all marry our unfinished business” and Hendrix suggests that the inherent incompatibility between partners defines “growth points” that were “atrophied” in each partner’s childhood.

In the next Relationship Seminar on April 12, 2025 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will explore how the choice of a partner, and the relationship dynamics that ensue, may be viewed through the lenses of Real and Hendrix. We will focus on Real’s opinion that many of us are drawn to partners who mirror the emotional availability of our caregivers, and consider his ideas regarding the assertion of needs in intimate relationships while avoiding power and control dynamics. Further, we will discuss Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Theory” and his notion of how our partners “trigger” issues from the past that create opportunities for growth and wholeness.

*Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, April 12, 2025 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or [jt@jamestobinphd.com](mailto:jt@jamestobinphd.com) no later than Thursday, April 10, 2025. The seminar will be held at 15615 Alton Parkway, Suite 450, in Irvine, CA. The fee is $30.00 and informed consent for participation must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.