What we’re about

Have you ever asked yourself:

Why do I often feel like I can’t say what I really want to say?
Why do my relationships feel so superficial?
Why do I find it so difficult to genuinely connect with others?
Why do I find it hard to ask for what I want?

Maybe the real question is this:

How do I find people who are interested in knowing the real me?

If you’ve ever asked yourself questions like these… you’re in the RIGHT place!

This is a meetup group for people who are genuinely interested in challenging themselves and other people. It’s a group for people who are tired of lying to themselves and others. It’s a group for people who want to make positive changes in their lives and improve the quality of their relationships.

To get an idea of our philosophy, check out this three-minute clip from the original founder of this group, taken from the (now archived) Honest Liars podcast.

https://web.archive.org/web/20160320090102/http://honestliars.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Is-Being-Honest-Really-Worth-It3F.mp4

The aim of this group is to provide a time and place where people can speak openly about themselves and what they are dealing with, and share their ideas and opinions. Although the group draws on ideas from radical honesty, we are not associated with any ideology, religion or political group.

All it takes is to know your truth and have the courage to speak it.

공지: 영어 설명 밑에 한국어 설명도 있습니다! (다만 우리는 당분간 한국어 모임을 진행하지 않습니다.)

What Can I Expect from Meetings?

These days meetings are usually run as an open discussion. Everyone will sit down, then after a brief introduction to the topic it will be open for anyone to speak, ask questions, share their experience or give their thoughts on the topic. There is no particular structure or format, and people are encouraged to speak up when they have something to say.

After the discussion, there will be some time for members to talk about their impressions of the group or other people. Giving first impressions to others has been an integral part of the meetup since its inception. The goal is to practice speaking openly and honestly to others and give and receive positive and negative feedback that is uncensored and unfiltered.

"The first time you meet someone, billions of micro-thoughts ricochet through the chemical and electrical conduits in your cranium. You begin making judgments about the person's character before you realize it. You may notice the handshake that is strong and vigorous, that the person's posture is forward and sturdy, that his or her smile is perfect and warm. You take all these features and multiply them by how the person is dressed, divide by the way the person smells, and factor age into a huge equation that forms a first impression in your unconscious. We do this in the blink of an eye and tend to stick to our first impressions." (D. McRaney)

Who is This Group For?

The Seoul Honesty Group is for people who are interested in sharing ideas, practicing more honest communication and challenging themselves and other people. It’s for people who are serious about examining their lives, their opinions, and the people around them.

This group is not for people who primarily want to learn English, nor is it for people who just want to meet new people or make friends (although if this description sounds appealing to you, there is a good chance you will meet likeminded people at the group.)

If you only want to hear other people’s stories, then please don’t come to this group. If you don’t want to share anything about yourself, then please don’t come to this group. If you have no thoughts or opinions about yourself, the people around you, or the world, then please don’t come to this group. This may sound harsh, but we want to be clear about our expectations.

Why Honesty?

Young children begin speaking their mind as soon as they learn to talk, but as they grow up they are socialised to lie, self-censor and avoid uncomfortable truths. Lies are easy and convenient because they can be used to ‘solve’ many problems in life. Lies make people feel comfortable, help to avoid awkward truths and smooth over relationships. Lying can get you out of trouble, ward off negative feedback and help you fit in with the world around you. But this comes at a cost.

Without honesty, there are no real relationships. If you feel you cannot present yourself authentically to those who are closest to you, then there cannot be intimacy and trust between you. Relationships based on lies or self-censorship often leave people feeling dissatisfied or isolated, even when they are surrounded by the people they care about.

“Honesty is about saying what is uncomfortable because the truth is more important than discomfort in the moment. Honesty is being inconvenient to those you love because you are not prepared to erase yourself for another's convenience. Honesty is choosing truth, and choosing those people who also choose the truth. It is the true heat of the blood pumping through our veins, that which makes our hearts warm and our minds glow.” (A Quick Start to Honesty)

The truth is liberating and empowering because it takes a weight off your shoulders. Instead of trying to manage your image, control other people’s reactions or come up with an answer that people want to hear, by speaking your truth you can return to the natural form of communication you unlearned as a child, rediscover who you really are and gain greater freedom and control over your life.

What you read here might interest you, but also make you uncomfortable. Ask yourself why that is. Ask yourself if your mind always has a veto over what you say and do, and whether that is right or not. After all, it’s just the truth. Is that really something to be scared of?

Does That Mean I Should be Honest 100% of the Time?

“Being honest 100% of the time is not a requirement or a commandment. It is not even desirable. Being completely honest and vulnerable with strangers is often unnecessary and unwelcome. In many cases, being honest is dangerous. This is why honesty is merely a necessary, but not sufficient ingredient in a happy life.” (A Quick Start to Honesty)

That being said, we strongly believe that it is important to be honest in your personal relationships with family, friends and partners.

“If we are not practicing honesty with the people close to us, then we are in danger of existing in a fantasy. If a commitment to reality is not central to your interaction, then you can never truly meet. You are like two internet avatars, sharing sounds and information, but never truly meeting face to face, heart to heart.” (A Quick Start to Honesty)

What Else Do I Need to Know?

This group is not therapy, nor is it a replacement for therapy. We are not here to tell people what to do. We are not professionals. We are not even amateurs. We are just a group of people who are interested in the truth, in ourselves, in our relationships, in our cultures and in the world.

Although the group is a ‘safe space’ in the sense that you can speak freely without being censored or silenced, everyone else has the same rights and you are not protected from ideas or opinions that you may find offensive or uncomfortable.

You don't need to know anything to join this group. All you need is to know what the truth is for you (a natural skill) and know how to speak that truth (also a natural skill). The hard part is having the courage to speak your truth, and the purpose of this group is to support each other in that endeavour.

In this group we aim to throw politeness and social graces out of the window so people can express themselves genuinely. Anything is permissible, regardless of propriety or fairness. Any topic of conversation is allowed.

Our concept of what this group is and what it is trying to achieve is likely to change over time. If you think this group is for you then fine. If you think it isn't then that’s okay too. There's no pressure to come or come back. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact us.

한국어 설명

서울 어니스티 모임에 오신 것을 환영합니다. Seoul Honesty Group이 창설된 지 2년여 만에 한국어 모임을 만들고자 합니다. 한국어 모임은 기존 회원의 참여를 환영하며, 더 나아가 주변에 관심이 있는 분들이 계시면 소개해주시기 바랍니다!

서울어니스티모임이란?

본 모임은 거짓과 가식이 지겨운 사람을 위한 모임입니다. 스스로에게, 또는 타인에게 더 이상 거짓말을 하고 싶지 않은 사람을 위한 모임입니다. 자기계발과 솔직한 소통, 자기 이해, 대인관계 개선에 관심이 있는 사람을 위한 모임입니다.

지금까지 영어 모임만 개최되어서, 그 동안 솔직한 소통을 실천하려고 했지만 영어 실력이 안되거나 한국어가 더 편한 사람들은 참여하지 못했습니다. 이제 바로 이러한 분들을 위해 한국어 모임을 개설하게 되었습니다.

서울 어니스티 모임은 사람들이 자기의 참된 생각과 의견, 감정을 자유롭게, 시원하게 표현할 수 있는 공간입니다. 사람마다 나름의 경험과 지식, 지혜가 있습니다, 따라서 우리가 고민거리나 문제를 서로 공유한다면, 논의와 대화를 통해 타인으로부터 좀 더 지혜를 얻을 수 있다고 봅니다.

거짓이 가득찬 세상에서 우리의 학습된 소통방식, 믿음체계와 가치체계가 과연 올바른지도 살펴 볼수 있습니다. 그리고 사회적, 문화적인 고정관념과 관행이 우리의 삶에 어떤 영향을 미치고 있는지 논의할 수 있습니다.

솔직한소통이란?

솔직한 소통은 나의 생각과 의견, 감정을 여과없이, 있는 그대로 표현하는 것을 말합니다. 모든 아이들은 솔직히 말할수 있는 능력을 가지고 있습니다. 소녀가 황제가 옷을 입지 않았 다는 사실을 밝히는 것처럼, 어린 아이들은 어른들이 피하고 싶은 현실과 진실을 말할수 있는 용기가 있습니다. 그러나 우리가 커가면서 남의 눈치를 보고, 다른사람을 배려하고, 타인의 기분을 상하지 않게 하기 위해, 솔직함을 저버리는 현상이 발생되기도 합니다.

결국 우리가 하고 싶은 말보다는 상대방이 듣고 싶은 말, 안전하게 표현할 수 있는 주장이나 조심스러운 의견만 말하게되며, 피상적인 관계를 유지하기 위해 거짓말을 하거나, 우리의 진실된 생각과 의견, 감정을 접으면서 살아가게 됩니다. 많은 사람들은 상처를 받지않기 위해 현실을 부정하거나 현실도피를 하게 됩니다. 하지만 단기적으로 작은 상처를 피하려다 나중에 훨씬 더 큰상처를 입게 되기 마련입니다.

이 모임의 목적은 우리의 타고난 능력인 솔직한 소통을 되살리는 것입니다.

거짓에 익숙한 사람이라면, 처음에 솔직히 말하는 것이 무섭고 불편한 일일 수도 있습니다. 그러나 우리가 헬쓰를 할 때, 지속적으로 하면 근육이 탄탄해지는 것처럼, 솔직한 소통을 하면 할수록 우리가 잃어버렸던 목소리를 되찾고 진실을 말할 수 있는 용기가 생기는 것입니다. 솔직하고 시원한 의사소통은, 답답한 일상생활에서 우리를 자유롭게 해 줄수 있기도 합니다.

모임절차

모임 마다 정해진 주제가 있습니다. 모임 절차는 가급적이면 영어모임과 동일하게 하도록 합니다.

1. 처음 만나는 사람에게 첫 인상 말하기. 이는 서로가 피드백을 주고 받음으로써 솔직한 소통을 연습하는것입니다.

2. 주제에 대한 자유토론

3. 토론한 바에 대한 피드백/생각 공유

질의응답

Q.참여 자격이 있습니까?

A.본 모임에 참석하는 데에 있어 특별한 자격이나 능력이 필요하지는 않습니다. 진실이 무엇인지 알고 그 진실을 말할 능력이 모든 인간에게 있습니다. 참고로 대부분의 참여자들이 20, 30대 젊은이들입니다.

Q.한국어 원어민만 참여할 수 있습니까?

A.본인도 한국어 원어민이 아니라서 원어민이 아닌 분들이 와도 괜찮지만, 제대로 참여하기 위해서는 일상대화 이상의 한국어 수준이 필요합니다. 영어 원어민이라면 영어 모임에 참여하는 것이 더 낫고, 비영어권 외국인이라면 자기의 한국어 실력을 판단해서 오시면 됩니다.

Q.주최인이 누구입니까?

A.한국에서 살고 있는 평범한 외국인입니다. 저는 어떠한 전문가도 아니고, 특별한 자격도 없습니다. 단지 영어 모임의 단골회원이고, 한국어 소통이 가능한 사람으로서 이 모임을 주최하게 되었습니다. 주최인이라기보다는 대화를 용이하게 하는 사람으로 생각하시면 됩니다.