Relational Equilibrium and Fluidity of Roles

The psychotherapist Assael Romanelli, Ph.D. (see The Potential State Podcast; Romanelli’s YouTube channel) argues that rigid, often unconscious, power dynamics and fixed roles within a relationship can stifle mature intimacy. He proposes that healthy, thriving relationships require a dynamic balance and the ability for partners to fluidly shift between different relational identities.

Romanelli observes that couples often fall into fixed relational roles (i.e., “parent” vs. “wounded child”), thus creating an unhealthy hierarchical structure as one partner is seen as “better” or more capable in certain areas and the other as “lesser.” His concept of the “95/70 dynamic” supports the hierarchical structure: this is an implicit agreement where one partner operates at 95% (more capable, dominant) and the other at 70% (less capable, submissive) across various life domains such as finances, parenting, sex, career, or social life. Even if consciously denied, these unconscious agreements maintain a “pecking order” between the partners. This fixed hierarchical structure prevents true partnership, mutual interdependence, and intimacy.

For Romanelli, when partners relate as equals (“eye level”), where both can be vulnerable, curious, and collaborative, relational equilibrium occurs. The “pecking order” becomes fluid and flexible so that each partner can lead (take initiative), lean (receive support, be held) and long (express desires, envision a shared future). The goal is for both partners to be able to access and engage in all these capacities, fostering a more balanced and responsive connection.

Further, Romanelli suggests that every intimate relationship encompasses three distinct “identities” that constitute various dimensions of bonding each member of the couple should be able to embody and fluidly move between: lovers (what Romanelli describes as engaging in emotional, intellectual and physical “lovemaking”), partners (collaborating as co-parents who each contribute to the pragmatic day-to-day chores and responsibilities of family business), and friends (accessing an attitude of childlike play and exploration with each other).

In the next meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on Saturday, July 26, 2025 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), we will discuss Romanelli’s perspective and its implications for forming and maintaining successful relationships.

*Registration Directions: If you would like to attend the next meeting of the Relationship Group Seminar on July 26, 2025 (11:45 AM to 1:00 PM), please RSVP to me at 949-338-4388 or [jt@jamestobinphd.com](mailto:jt@jamestobinphd.com) no later than Thursday, July 24, 2025. The seminar will be held at 15615 Alton Parkway, Suite 450, in Irvine, CA. The fee is $30.00 and informed consent for participation must be completed prior to the seminar. Please note that the Relationship Group Seminar is psychoeducational in nature, not therapeutic, and does not constitute psychotherapy or counseling.