When I’m Successful, I’ll Be Happy The Construction of the Mirage...

## When I am Successful, I'll be Happy

The Construction of the Mirage: How We Make Ourselves Unhappy by Chasing an Uncertain Future

Event Description

We live in an age where success has replaced love.
We no longer simply want to achieve; we want to matter.
Behind our obsession with image, career, freedom, money, and recognition hides one ancient and universal need: to be loved.
But the wounded mind does not believe it deserves love as it is.
It believes it must earn it.
And from this wound, one of the most seductive illusions of the modern world is born:
“Only when I’m successful will someone truly want me.”

The Psychology of the Mirage of Success
From early childhood, we are taught that our worth depends on performance.
A child who is praised only when achieving and ignored when failing learns an invisible law:
“I exist only when I’m winning.”
This belief becomes the secret engine of adult life.
We chase goals, money, validation and freedom not for joy but for permission to exist.
In Schema Therapy, this dynamic is rooted in deep emotional schemas such as:

• Defectiveness / Shame – “I’m not enough.”
• Emotional Deprivation – “No one truly cares for me.”
• Failure – “Others succeed, I always fall short.”
• Approval Seeking – “If people don’t like me, I’m worthless.”
• Unrelenting Standards – “I must do more, be more, prove more.”

These schemas create a conditional life script:
“Once I succeed, I’ll finally rest.”
“When I am free and admired, someone will love me.”
“If I become impressive enough, no one will leave me.”
But peace and love are not rewards to be earned; they are inner states of being.
The more we chase them, the further they move away.

Success as a Prerequisite for Love
Today, many people believe that only those who succeed deserve love.
The silent thought is: “Who could love me if I’m not at the top?”
We equate success with desirability, autonomy with value, vulnerability with rejection.
We don’t fall in love to share ourselves, but to prove we are worthy.
We don’t seek connection, we seek confirmation.
And every time someone does not mirror our ideal image, the old wound reopens: “I’m not enough.”
Relationships then become battlefields between internal parts:
the vulnerable child longing to be loved, and the compensating adult desperate to be perfect.
Love becomes performance.

The All-or-Nothing Mind and the Birth of Depression
At the core of this illusion lies a merciless belief:
“Either I’m the best, or I’m nothing.”
This black-and-white thinking is one of the most destructive patterns of the human mind.
As long as we are “up,” dopamine and adrenaline keep us running.
But when we fall — when we fail, lose, or feel unseen — the entire system collapses.
And the fall feels like death.
Depression is not only sadness; it is the collapse of inner worth.
When our identity is built on success, every loss becomes annihilation.
We stop existing whenever we are not admired.

The Market of Spirituality and the New Idolatry
Modern culture has transformed the pursuit of success into a religion.
It uses the language of spirituality but serves the ego.
“Think positive and you will attract abundance.”
“Vibrate higher and the universe will reward you.”
“Manifest your dream life.”
These phrases sound innocent, but they feed the same wound.
When we fail, the blame returns to us: “You didn’t believe enough. You weren’t aligned enough.”
This creates a new form of spiritual guilt.
We feel we must be endlessly confident, elevated, and successful to be good enough.
We are not allowed to doubt, to cry, to stop.
But real spirituality does not punish humanity; it embraces it.
True light doesn’t come from escaping the dark, but from meeting it with compassion.
Many “laws” and modern success gurus have turned inner growth into a market.
They sell control, not peace.
They promise power, not freedom.
And the more we follow them, the more we lose touch with the only truth that matters: being.

Building Idols and Losing the Soul
When we forget how to trust, we start building idols.
Ancient cultures worshipped gold and stone.
We worship visibility, beauty, money, and freedom.
We sacrifice time, relationships and peace at their altar.
They promise transcendence but deliver exhaustion.
Today, our idols are not statues; they are screens, metrics, and followers.
We no longer pray for grace; we pray for engagement.
We no longer look for God; we look for validation.
And the more we idolise success, the more we lose our souls.

The Way Back
Schema Therapy teaches that beneath every performance is a child longing to be loved.
That child does not want to be perfect — only to be seen.
Healing begins when we turn toward that child and whisper,
“You don’t need to earn love anymore.”
Neuroscience confirms what true spirituality has always known:
when we stop striving and allow ourselves to feel, the brain and heart reconnect.
The prefrontal cortex calms, the amygdala settles, the parasympathetic system restores balance.
The body remembers safety.
And in that moment, happiness stops being a goal and becomes a presence.

Conclusion
Success is not a state of being: it is an experience of life.
When it becomes identity, it destroys us.
When it becomes expression, it frees us.
We do not have to be perfect to be loved; we have to be real.
Worth is not in results but in presence.
And when the heart returns to presence, everything else falls into place.