Crowd-Sourcing the Spiritual Stage of the Intimate Relationship Tom Habib

In May 2018 Tom Habib will be presenting at the Integral European Conference in Hungary. In preparation for it, Tom is requesting that SDI “crowdsource” the 5th couple stage (Spiritual Stage) during our April meeting. Crowdsourcing is a method that utilizes the collective to obtain valued insight by enlisting the services of a select number of people. In our case, we will tap the sentient wisdom of integrally capable folks who both embody and can converse in these concepts. Anyone in attendance who brings forth a novel idea for this stage will be cited in the formal paper! Prior to crowdsourcing the 5th stage, Tom will present the Couple’s Line to help stimulate what might emerge…wider complexity or novel contributions. Scroll down to read a description of the Spiritual Stage of an intimate couple to be published as a revision of the 2016 paper.

Titles & Description of IEC 2018 Presentation

Lessons from the Collective We-Space to help Intimate Couples become 2nd tier explorers

Who’s in the room matters when a group of seekers is attempting to open up into a collective experience many evolutionary thinkers have found. This we-space becomes much more challenging for an intimate couple than it is for non-lovers for many reasons. For example, each person in an intimate partnership is very familiar with partner behavior originating from lower centers of gravity. These inconsistencies frequently erode feelings of trust if not viewed from a developmental perspective. Furthermore, the capacity to compartmentalize less than perfect experiences, an established rhythm between connection and separation, tolerance for exposure, transparency, and more, are all necessary to creating stable intimate 2nd tier we-space. This presentation will translate the lessons learned from the collective experience into specific recommendations for the intimate couple.

Stage Five: The Spiritual Stage

The Spiritual Stage of love, the highest level this writer can envision, is rarified ground attained by few couples. It only becomes visible after we fully turn our gaze away from Safety & Attraction and have achieved a center of gravity at First Love. Prerequisites for this stage are that both members of the dyad have completed large amounts of individual and couple growth work and each one can open into second tier space. In other words, they have grown-up, cleaned –up, and woken-up, all contributing to fully showing-up. At the Spiritual Stage the relationship is easily capable of transparency. Because of this availability interpretations are empathic and increasingly accurate. There is a strong “clear and empowered authenticity” (Ramirez, et al., 2013) contributing to the stability. Each person has familiarity with the nuances of their inner world and are beyond feeling ashamed or defensive. There is the simultaneous capacity for “Unitive Diversity” characterized by “heart felt presence, authentic compassion…and extreme facile engaging with others” (Kiehl, 2018) despite differences. This couple is in an ongoing narrative that recognizes influences uniquely generated by their respective developmental histories. There are useful re-occurring patterns and they clean-up those which inhibit presence. This interchange reshapes and positively influences remnants of earlier identities in a downward, dynamic, healing process (Forman, 2010). The narrative is continually supplemented via an evolutionary dialectic (McIntosh, 2015) and rarely derailed by defensive road blocks inhibiting this exploration in earlier stages. New uncoverings are sought by both members of the dyad and received as the gift they always have been.

The ease of the narrative is supported by well-established LR interactional patterns capable of mediating intimacy, regression, cooperation, problem solving and disappointment at the Spiritual level. These well-developed LR interactional patterns are capable of transmuting powerful regressions that challenge all previous stages. When archaic issues or patterns surface such as encapsulated identities (Noam, 1988; cf. Forman, 2010) they are responded to and soothed into recognizable patterns in the present. Feedback, divergent opinions and desires are received without disruption or chaos. Both members are aware of dyadic ambiance and their words are chosen to preserve it. The inauthentic nature of anger is recognized and rarely relied upon to convey complex or sensitive feelings. Partner or interactional deficiencies are neither catastrophized or allowed to stagnate as a source of hurt or rupture. Rather, deficiencies are expected and noted. Time is carefully taken for reflection, decision making and for the emergence and integration of that which is held as shadow. This couple is aware of the steady flow of cultural influences upon their relationship unless they decide it works for them. The process of relationship evolution is expected and viewed as an ongoing expansion of the “We”.

When this couple’s love peaks, they are using intuition and other subtle energies for exploration and to heighten presence. Both members of the dyad are simultaneously opening space into an area greater than either could do alone. Choices are woven into patterns that serve the couple in ways that were previously unrealized. The couple can co-create intuitive bursts of insight and revelations. This couple may make radical changes in where and how they live. Convention may be ignored to the dismay of others. There are consistent experiences of spirituality and occasional altered states, jointly witnessed cognitions, and morally guided concern for self and partner (Forman, 2010). They do not always need to, nor can they, verbalize what is felt and witnessed. These are universal and illuminated experiences (Ramirez et al. 2013) jointly held as they creatively advance into novelty (Whitehead c.f. Gafni, 2012). They move through never ending areas of exploration, as cosmic tourists, curtailed only by their finite energy. The non-dual periods of their connection allow them to experience the “One”, to sample the One Taste (Wilber, 2000b). The experience is of the beloved, the soul level of development.