Men’s Circle - July - Getting Over Our Parents

Gents!

For this meeting, as promised, we're going to base our discussions around an exercise suggested in a fascinating book by The School of Life series I've been reading called "Getting Over Our Parents" (Amazon link here). I've included the intro at the bottom along with a listing of the different types of "problematic" parents identified to give you an idea)

Take a look and come ready to discuss, you can share as much as or as little as you wish, no pressure!

What were each of your parent's values in relation to the following:

1. money
2. work
3. marriage
4. kindness
5. manners
6. hope
7. politics
8. obedience
9. success
10. failure
11. illness
12. children

Then Think about the following Questions:

1. How do you feel about each of these?
2. Are there values you might want to get rid of ?
3. What might you want – and be able – to change?

This can be the first of a series of meetings around this topic as I'm considering choosing the book for our next book club as well.

Looking forward to a fruitful discussion!
Mayar

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An abridged intro from the book follows:

"Because the word ‘parent’ is a generic one, when we use it, we frequently give the impression that all parents are, in a sense, roughly the same. There exists a hugely powerful and singular image in the collective mind of what a ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ might be like.

These job titles may alter over time, but at any given point, they can be counted upon to release a coherent set of associations. A mum will be kind, patient, sometimes a little fussy (in the name of love) and – broadly – adoring and adorable. A dad will be strong, decisive, sometimes a bit silly (in a very forgivable way) and – characteristically – protective and worldly.

These collective fantasies particularly come to the fore around celebrations like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day.... We don’t need to be believers in a traditional vision of the family to be, where it counts, bound to a very particular ideology of what constitutes a mum or a dad.

And yet, of course, in reality, parents come in all forms – many of them very different indeed to what the postcards or posters might suppose.... There is nothing whatsoever about the process of reproduction that promises to straighten out the knots of human nature into anything more manageable or edifying.

Modern psychotherapy is united on one point: our problems often require us to engage with our childhoods.

This can feel profoundly offensive. How insulting to be told that our childhoods could matter inordinately to our adult lives: our temperament, our chances of happiness, our sexuality, our levels of anxiety and our self-esteem.

Particularly if our childhoods were difficult, we want more than anything to get away from their dark, centrifugal energy and to imagine ourselves as free agents, able to determine our futures without impediment. How dispiriting to be asked to believe that who we are was substantially determined by external factors before we reached the age of reason and, moreover, that if we are to have any hope of helping ourselves, we must undertake painful and lengthy efforts to understand the past in fine-grained detail.

We understand. To take on the past, we don’t need to be driven by a preternatural enthusiasm for self-exploration and we don’t need to be self-pitying or furious with parents who were only trying to do their best. All that is required is a weary, dutiful realisation that the principal way to overcome our history is to address it. We must remember not out of nostalgia, but in order to be able to forget, once and for all. This should be a process of exorcism, not an homage.

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Here are the types of problematic parents (Which they admit is not exhaustive nor scientifically rigorous but useful nevertheless)

1. The Preoccupied Parent
2. The Overprotective Parent
3. The Controlling Parent
4. The Unhappily Married Parent
5. The Socially Anxious Parent
6. The Angry Parent
7. The Panicky Parent
8. The Sexually-Timid Parent
9. The Hot-and-Cold Parent
10. The Defensive Parent
11. The Seductive Parent
12. The Crisis Parent
13. The Golden Child Parent
14. The Jealous Parent
15. The Bullying Parent
16. The Whitewashing Parent
17. The Only-Partly-Awful Parent
18. Add Yours here!

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A note on the fee: This meet-up is not meant to be for profit and any fee is to cover the venue costs ($50 for the 2 hours), our online meetings (or meeting held in free spaces) will remain free.

I don't want anyone staying away because of financial constraints so if you're not in a position to contribute, don't worry, you're still more than welcome to join. We usually have enough people contributing to cover the costs and if not, I'm ok covering the remainder out of pocket.